Both Ends Burning
by vonham
Summary: When war is heavy in the air, friends and lovers change; they grow, and break. You cling to the closest person; sharing borrowed breaths, stealing counted kisses. Centers on the relationship between Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, starting their 7th year, and through the war (and beyond?). RL/SB Slash. Also JP/LE. Planning on being novel length.
1. Sirius Black, Bored

**AN: Hey all! I am reposting this story because it wasn't getting a lot of traffic, because the first chapters were posted so long ago. I am now updating regularly (about once a week). Please review, it makes me write faster!**

* * *

Sirius Black was sitting, quite uncomfortably, on the extreme edge of the Potter's guest bed. A random passerby might observe the tall, dark haired teenager shaking a piece of cotton from his hair, but no; Sirius had his hands firmly on his temples, and shook, left, right, as though to shake the dangerous, thrilling thoughts from the jumble of feelings that was his mind (and which he often called lunacy). It was not one thought, but perhaps it was. A culmination of thoughts, centered, pulled as if by gravity around one entity, snowballing, and growing, until Sirius thought he could see nothing else but that. He thought of Moony. He thought, with a slight frown, if his friend was healed from last night's full moon, or was Remus still suffering? These thoughts are perfectly natural, reasoned Sirius; there was nothing strange about caring for a friend.

Sirius was eternally grateful to the Potters for taking him in, but the downside of feeling so at home with them was that...well, he felt at home. He felt the slowly building, seemingly crushing sense of being trapped that most adolescents felt in their own home. This was no fault of the elderly couple; they had always been quite liberal, and being very old they hardly meddled in his and James' affairs. Even Mrs. Potter, known to be quite fussy, only fussed over little things like making sure they were well fed and warm enough. Neither of them had the energy to be telling James or Sirius what to do anymore, or to demand them to be home on time. All in all, he had free reign, but still Sirius longed for the vast Hogwarts hallways; the way even the smallest of noises echoed loudly when the corridors were lit by nothing but moonlight. He missed full moon nights; changing into Padfoot whose thoughts were always more innocent; blissful in their simplicity. He missed being together with all of his friends; Remus' calming habits, Peter's witty jokes. Even James seemed to be different in the confines of the Potter Estate; there were no rules to break, no fun to have.

Sirius looked out the large window of the guest bedroom to see the pregnant moon hanging heavy in the sky. He felt as if his gut had been punched; he was sitting in his room perfectly safe and pain free, meanwhile Moony had to suffer the full moon's effects...without them. The first time Sirius had become Padfoot he had solemnly sworn to himself that he would never allow Remus to go through another full moon transformation without him. James and Peter could be there too; that only made things more fun and easier besides, but Sirius vowed that regardless of the other boys, Remus would always have him during the moon. After the Incident, that promise had taken on a sense of urgency that could have only come from a person who felt he needed a lifetime to make things right again. But he had failed him.

Last Christmas Sirius, James, and Peter had gone to visit Remus, for a change. As usual, Remus fretted over every single detail, and retrospectively, had adequately warned them that his mother was a muggle. Sirius had conveniently forgotten this fact, and was terribly excited that he was now able to perform magic outside of school, being the first out of the four to be able to do so. After the fact Sirius claimed to have just wanted to decorate the Lupin cottage adequately, but even he was at loss to explain why in Merlin's name would that include blue flames on the front lawn. And because of that, Sirius was no longer welcome at the Lupin house, and so Remus was suffering this full moon alone. For the first time since 5th year. Sirius had failed him.

_Dear Remus, _

_I wish you would let me, Prongs and Wormy stay with you during holiday transformations. I hope it wasn't too tough on you; then again, skin like leather, yeah Moony? I almost apparated to your place, tonight, worried about you. . If only your parents didn't hate me ever since I *accidentally* set your front lawn on fire. If only they believed me that blue flames are harmless! Padfoot's been itching to get out, too. Not in front of Prongs' parents though. I'd go out for a run at night, if only they didn't check up on me every hour. I think they figure I'll go barmy on them, ever since showing up on their doorstep. Too nice, sometimes. Not that I miss being yelled at. And well, you know, Mrs. Potter sure knows how to make a stew. So I'm not complaining much. You should come by; the Potter estate is rather large (thankfully, though, smaller than the Most Foul House of Black). Prongs' mother has her knickers in a twist 'bout you. Something about how thin you looked back at King's Cross. It would be cruel to deny her the pleasure. Truth is, I'm rather bored here. Music doesn't work, I can't get the record player to work. It's hell. Help, Moony, I know you'll be able to make it work. Just scored a new record by Roxy Music from the record store in the nearby muggle town. It's called Siren, and I think this time I will make you like it. Come by some day. Surprise me. _

_Mr. Padfoot. _

_P.S. If you're not here in a fortnight, I'll be forced to endure the scorn of your parents, and come pick you up myself. _

Nights at the Potter estate engulfed his soul in a sort of inescapable blackness that had him grasping the air, almost as if to lift the blanket of dark that he perceived all around him. It was during those hours of Black in which his mind played tricks on him. He thought of Moony, like always. This time Moony was his, and healed, with a bare chest, whispering into the crook of Sirius' neck, fingers curled, grasping his hip, pulling him with surprising force toward him, toward his hard cock, and between them lay pleasure and indulgence, and when he came, he whispered, _Moony, Moony, Moony._ It was not the type of thing that Sirius would allow himself to remember ever thinking. Sirius blamed It on the lack of music. Like an addict, Sirius could not have peace of mind without his music. Playful guitar, and nonsense lyrics, he would close his eyes and see the musicians playing, eyes painted with glitter, leather hips swinging, pulsing, sex. He tried to play the music in his head now, in the dark. Burn you out of my mind, I know/ You're a flame that never fades/ Jungle red's a deadly shade/ Both ends burning, will the fires keep/ somewhere deep in my soul tonight/ both ends burning, burning, burn. "Burning, burning" he murmured, and slipped a hand down his boxers. Burn, Moony, burn.

Sirius awoke the next morning, pushing to the deep recesses of his minds the thoughts that had before taken over. He sat there, the silence threatening to drown him; he tried again with the record player he had brought to James' house. He remembered the Christmas before, when Remus gave him the copper colored, slightly old turntable. It would not work in Hogwarts, not with muggle electricity running through it. So Remus had enchanted it to feed off of magic, producing sound waves, amplifying them. But the charm was starting to wear off, and he found that he could not get it to work in the magically dense atmosphere of James' house. Sirius decided that he would try and find a solution for himself; but first, breakfast. Giving his turntable a final pat, Sirius walked downstairs to the kitchen to see James already sitting there, scarfing down some toast with jam.

"Fancy a fly?" James stopped chewing to ask. Sirius nodded, though he didn't actually want to go flying. Unlike James, Sirius didn't have an unlimited attention span for flying, and after a month straight of grueling practices he was starting to get bored. Looking at the grin on James' face, however, Sirius knew that he couldn't let down his best friend.


	2. James Potter, Head Boy

"Honestly Sirius, I don't know why I even practice with you; you're a shitty fly"

James was trying to get in as much practice as possible; this was, after all, his last chance to etch his name into Hogwart's Quidditch Hall of Fame; to become a true legend. Only Sirius, who never had the focus to care much about the sport, wasn't nearly a talented enough player to give James a real challenge.

The sun was beating down relentlessly on James, and he could feel his glasses slipping off his nose. _If Lily were here, she wouldn't have let me forget the sticking charm_. James sighed more audibly than any man his age should, as he briefly fantasized about Lily: _Her hands on her hips, admonishing me, "You forgot the sticking charm, you dolt"_. James wouldn't admit to anyone that it was particularly Lily's bossiness, know-it-all-ness, must-have-the-last-word-because-you-know-I'm-right-ness that kept his attention all these years, that made him fall in love with her. _She inches closer, wand raised, "adgluento" and no sweat of any kind would ruin my glasses again. She inches closer to me, eyes closing, lips forming a kiss..._

James felt a sharp pain in his shoulder, and slipped a little from his broom.

"Who's the bad fly now, sod?" Sirius was shouting, but James wasn't listening; already diving down at neck breaking speed. He caught the quaffle with his uninjured left hand, and hurled it at the makeshift hoop. It went through.

"You were saying?"

James Potter could never resist the opportunity to show off, even to his best friend. Even when his shoulder was probably dislocated. He touched down and motioned Sirius to do the same.

"Let's get inside for some lunch, yeah? Bloody boiling out here" James tried to hide the pain. Nothing his mother couldn't fix up in a jiffy.

"Oh good, you boys decided to come back down to earth...James are you injured? Again?" Mrs. Potter gave them both a look that would make even Albus Dumbledore hang his head in shame.

"Honestly" she began, waving her wand around James' shoulder, and making entirely too much fuss, "wounds can be healed by magic, but you know, repeated injuries like this leave their toll on the body! Just think about when you're older; you'll be all stiff and arthritis!"

The two boys exchanged looks; they knew better than to interrupt or correct Mrs. Potter. They both mumbled, "Yes'm", and that was enough for her.

"I suppose you two are wanting a spot of lunch, yes? I'll have Grob make us something small; we're dining out tonight" Not for lack of money, the Potters didn't dine out often; Mrs. Potter enjoyed cooking, her house elf Grob as her sous chef, and anyway there wasn't much choice of dining around Godric's Hollow.

In fact, James could remember the last time they had dined out as a family; the day he got his Hogwarts letter.

"Err...what's the special occasion, mum?" Clearly Mrs. Potter was waiting for James to ask this question, as her face broke out in a smile as she handed James a thick envelope.

"Hogwarts letters arrived, and...well go on, open it and see for yourself!" As usual, she had helped herself to the letter before giving it to James, as she did every year to ensure that her son was not hiding marks from her.

James noted that the letter was heavier than usual; probably something to do with the upcoming NEWTs. He opened it, scanning his grades. Os in everything but Potions (EE) and Herbology (A). This was nothing new, as he usually maintained excellent grades, using a mixture of charm and copious amounts of raw talent. He set the paper aside, and started reading the second sheet of parchment. He pretended to fail to notice the badge sitting in the envelope.

_Dear Mr. James Potter, _

_As headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I am honoured, and immensely proud to bring to you the news that you have been selected as Head Boy for the school year of 1977. As Head Boy you will be the representative of the school body as a whole; you will be an authority for all the students to approach. In addition to acting as the superior to all of the houses' prefects, you will be representing the school itself. You have been selected following a long tradition that acknowledges the outstanding abilities of elite students, and offers them an opportunity to share their knowledge with others. The Head Boy must be fair but friendly, stern but supportive, and above all, a friend to all. _

_You will be sharing this prestigious position with Ms. Lily Evans, who has been chosen as the Head Girl. Together I am sure that you will facilitate another wonderful year at Hogwarts. Please meet me and Ms. Evans at the Three Broomsticks Inn, on the 31st of August, one day prior to term's start. _

_Yours most humbly, _

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore._

James reached in to the envelope, his hands now positively shaking, and pulled out a shiny, and quite large, Head Boy badge. He turned to Sirius, face as white as a ghost,

"Me. Lily. Head Boy. Has Dumbledore finally gone daft?" He scanned his friend for any sign of support or sympathy, but Sirius merely stared back at him, mouth agape.

"Oh for heaven's sake, son, this is a great honour! Your father was Head Boy!"

James groaned; his father was kind enough, but entirely too stuffy and rule obsessed. He had to be, as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. Nobody who knew Harold Potter would have any trouble believing that he was once Head Boy. In fact, it was James' childlike determination to be as different from his father as possible, that started his career as a troublemaker; a title he neither wanted to, nor was able to outgrow. Was this what Dumbledore saw in him, his father? Was this what he was destined to become? James started to wonder if it was possible to decline the position...


	3. Sirius Black, Lost Friend

Sirius finally found his voice, no doubt owing to the Mrs. Potter's imploring stare. "err, well done mate. Dumbledore must really, er, respect you." Sirius didn't think there was ever a more awkward moment between him and James; James was always his partner in crime. Together they had executed pranks that Hogwarts was not likely to forget for years to come. Neither of them had ever been given a position of responsibility; Remus had become the Prefect because of his sense of responsibility and his academic drive. Now that James was given this position, he wouldn't be able to join him in pranking. He'd have to uphold and enforce the laws that they so systematically ignored.

James spent the rest of the day locked in his room, and Sirius had never felt more lost. The very few times either of them were in need of comfort, they both knew exactly how to deliver that comfort; that's why they were best mates, they provided each other with exactly what the other needed at any given moment. This was the first time that Sirius could remember where he really didn't know what to do. He imagined that James was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility thrust upon him; had it been him, Sirius would have immediately run away from the opportunity.

The day dragged on impossibly slow, and Sirius wished that Remus would hurry up and arrive; if anyone knew what it was to accept responsibility, it was Remus. He always said the right things to make one see things in a different light, and appreciate them. He tried to imagine what Remus would say to James in this situation, but the anxiety of the situation smothered his usually vibrant imagination. He felt vaguely sick.

Mr. Potter came home some hours later, and after briefly conferring with his wife, went into James room to talk to him. Sirius might not have known the right thing to say to his friend at the moment, but he definitely knew that a talk from his father was the last thing James would want. It wasn't even like Mr. Potter even knew his son so well; Sirius was the only one out of their friends who knew James' feelings towards his father. When they were in their first year, James still idolized the abstract notion of his father; in his long, billowing Wizengamot robes. Sirius remembers that one of the first things that James confided in him, the second night of their first year, was that he wanted to be just like his father when he grew up. Over the years, however, the idolization turned into bitterness as Mr. Potter continually put the welfare of the rest of the wizarding world before his own family. Sirius remembers 6th year, after one full moon night, James confided in him that he knew his father was a great wizard, but that he was a horrible father. Looking at the streak of pink making its way on the horizon, Sirius thought to himself_ better your father ignore you, than hate you like mine_. He kept those thoughts to himself, knowing that there was no room in their relationship for jealousy to be voiced.

Sirius barricaded himself in his room as well, too overwhelmed by the tension taut in the house. For the first time since he had moved in with the Potters, he truly felt like an outsider, an intruder. He kept his face glued to the window, hoping at any moment to see Remus walking to the gate. Instead he saw an old owl flying directly towards his window. The owl tapped on the window to be let in, and Sirius' heart leapt to his throat; it was missing a talon. Remus.

_Dear Sirius aka the smelly thing that is Padfoot;_

_It wasn't too tough last night, really. My parents built me a new shed, you know how my father is, obsessed with making things "more comfortable" for me. So anyway, this shed's like a small house. I guess the wolf was thankful for the room, although there obviously is no substitute for the shrieking shack. I missed Padfoot. Incidentally, it bears reminding that of course my mother, being a muggle, would be frightened of blue flames. Bloody horrible joke that was; she nearly passed out cold. Then again, you know, she's one for dramatics. I suppose I can endure one more album of Roxy Music. I must admit, I am fond of the name. The music...well, I've known bands to change dramatically from album to album. I can't wait to go back to Hogwarts, that sounds weird, I know. It's not just the books. I'm bored. I miss my friends. _

_-Remus. _

Sirius ran the pad of his thumb over the last few words of the letter. _I miss you_. He blinked, and looked again. I miss my friends. Naturally. That made more sense. Why would Moony even write that he missed only him? None of that, now. This endless litany had been invading his mind for months. It took a true crisis, colloquially known as the Big Sirius Black Mistake, for these thoughts to start to penetrate his consciousness. At first they were only at night, fuzzy dreams that left it quite easy for Sirius to pretend that it was not a man's body he saw atop his own, or later, it was surely not Remus' mouth on his. Sirius decided that it was just a phase, and that perhaps if he paid Remus mind during the waking hours, observe him in his totally normal routine, it would banish these thoughts from his head. The dreams went away, oh yes. But then the images invaded his waking brain; watching Remus suck on sugar quills, or bending over a book. Every little gesture was taken out of context, exaggerated, evoking brain melting reactions from Sirius.

It wasn't just that Sirius' body seemed to want to bugger Remus' body quite badly; Sirius couldn't help but think about Remus all the time. This was understandable, he reasoned, for him to be overly concerned with Remus' wellbeing, as he had betrayed him most horribly. It was now up to Sirius to make up for it by supporting his friend anyway he could. And by supporting he meant in the "be a good friend way" and not, "support your body while I bugger you over the library tables that you so desperately love" sort of way. Of course.

Sirius wasn't wholly in denial. He wasn't stupid; by the time the condition evolved to daydreaming, he knew. Knew that he was attracted to Remus Lupin aka Skinny Werewolf Boy aka Chocolate Addict aka Moony. His Moony. This did not mean that he had to act on this attraction; hadn't he hurt Moony enough? Hadn't he done enough damage? Moony deserved to lay a lusty lady, and didn't need to know of Sirius' pining. No, he would just have to continue the suppression of his feelings.

Dinner that evening was a quiet affair. Mrs. Potter had chosen the Blooming Orchard, in Diagon Alley's restaurant stretch. The restaurant was small and stuffy; the waiters wearing the most formal of robes, champagne bottles being popped and charmed cool at each table. Sirius looked around at the other diner's plates, and knew that he would leave this restaurant hungry; the portions were unnecessarily small, and superfluously arranged in abstract patterns. He noted that the menu had a full two pages for dessert.

They ate in silence, though neither boys' appetite was ruined by the tension. Mr. Potter kept looking like he wanted to say something, but would stay silent with a nudge from his wife. Mrs. Potter made some half-hearted attempts at conversation, mostly geared towards Sirius, as James was barely reacting, seemingly catatonic. The food was good enough, Sirius reasoned, if a bit weird. Still, he would rather Mrs. Potter's cooking which was always more pleasurable, and filling. At the table next to them a man got down on his knee and presented a ring to his girlfriend. They skipped dessert.

The family plus Sirius flooed back into the kitchen, in total silence. Sirius' plan was to hurry off to his room and devise a plan to bring everything back to normal, when he saw him there. Remus was sitting at the kitchen, sipping tea and nibbling on a scone, courtesy of Grob, who seemed entirely too eager to be serving someone, as he was denied the pleasure of serving the family dinner as he did every evening. The look that Sirius gave his saviour was of wild relief.

"James' been made Head Boy!" He blurted out, almost shouting.


	4. Remus, to the Rescue

_Dear Remus, _

_Of course we would be delighted to have you as our guest for the remaining weeks of the summer! Please, feel free to show up whenever; our door is always open for you. I think the boys will be happy to see you; they're getting a bit bored, I think, judging by the amount of things that are broken throughout the house. On second thought, do hurry dear. _

_Say hello to your father from us!_

_The Potters_

If the others knew that Remus was writing to James' parents to actually ask for permission to come over, they would have had a laugh on him. Even before Sirius had permanently relocated to the Potters', he would show up whenever it pleased him; often stealing away from his home in the middle of the night. Remus knows this because Sirius boasted about it, often. Remus marveled that one family could be filled with so much love. It wasn't that his own parents weren't kind, rather they were quite private, no doubt a side effect of having a werewolf for a child, and were never the type to so freely open their home to others.

Remus folded up the letter, with a smile. The easy part was over, and now came the hard part; convincing his parents to let him spend the last two weeks of the summer holidays at the Potters'. It was like this every summer; they would say no, they would fight a bit, and finally send him off. The yearly argument was symbolic, yet no less tiring. It helped that Full Moon was just two days ago; Remus looked healthy enough so that they needn't worry for him, yet the memory of his injuries still so fresh, giving him quite a lot of leeway.

The lanky adolescent found his parents in the kitchen, their breakfast routine well underway. Hope Lupin was leaning on the kitchen counter, a gratuitously large mug of tea to her lips. Lyall Lupin was sitting at the breakfast counter scarfing down toast whilst reading the Daily Prophet. Those days, reading the Daily Prophet could be quite an upsetting activity, and Remus knew that if he caught his parents at the wrong time, they might not let him leave. Lyall was almost at the last page of the newspaper, and his face showed no sign of distress. Safe.

"The Potters send their love," he began, hoping that this comment would soften them.

"The Potters?" his father grunted through bites of toast

"Oooh, send them lots of love back, and a hug as well! You can send hugs with owls, right?" Remus didn't miss the wink in her voice; Hope might be a muggle, but even she knew that hugs could only be figuratively sent through owl post. He smiled back at her, trying to ignore the cynical voice in his head that knew why the Potters sent their "hello" just to his father, and not his mother. They were no Blacks, that's for sure, but Purebloods, no matter how liberal, were always less comfortable around muggles like his mother.

"Right. Will do, as I'm seeing them on Wednesday"

"Are you now? Says who?" Lyall countered.

Remus had had just about enough of this.

"Listen, I'm of age. Every year we have this argument; you say it's too dangerous, you miss me, etcetera etcetera. We argue for a bit and then you let me go. Let's go over the main points of WHY you end up acquiescing to my request: 1. you know the Potters, and it even creates an excuse to go see your dear friends for dinner. 2. Their house is heavily warded, in Godric's Hollow. I, for one, cannot think of a safer wizarding village at the moment.3. You love me. 4. I need my friends and they need me. Shall I go on?"

Ten minutes later Remus was upstairs in his room again, a smile dancing across his face as he thought of being reunited with his friends in two day's time.

Contrary to popular belief, Remus did have a life outside of the Marauders. Rather, he had one friend, if you could call it that. David was a muggle who lived a couple of streets down, and who had a witch for a sister, who had graduated Hogwarts some years previous. He tended bar at the local pub and rode a motorcycle. He often donned leather jackets, and some of the best music Remus had been introduced to was through David. A very handsome David.

Remus wasn't the type to deny his own feelings. Keep them under lock and key from others, of course but Remus never hid anything from himself; he was so introspective a person, so self analytical, that he was always painfully aware of his existence, his every being. His scars, his lycanthropy, his homosexuality. It took until 5th year for him to fully realize it, not because he was in denial, rather he had never really thought about sex, or relationships. The moment he did, he knew that he favoured blokes. Knew it, and took that information and hid it where no one, not even the Marauders, could access it. He had come to love keeping secrets; back when he was a boy his parents taught him to treasure his secret of lycanthropy; it was for him and no one else. Of course now he knows that they romanticized secret-keeping in order to protect him from discrimination, but the love for keeping something all to himself had remained.

His arrangement with David started that very year, when he came home for Christmas 5th year. David was there and willing, Remus was there and willing, and neither wanted anything from the other, aside from his body. They both took without giving, and it suited them just fine. What Remus liked most about David, aside from his ass, was that he was not nosy. Not an inquiring soul, not curious at all. Remus could probably show up one day with his hair dyed blonde, and the other boy wouldn't say a word about it. He was blissfully obedient in bed, and always left when it was time to leave.

"Oh, I have a treat for you tonight, Rem-us" Remus hated the way David pronounced his name; rem like I'm your remedy for tonight. One look at his face, and Remus could tell that David was excited about whatever it was that he had for him. Probably a new record, he reckoned. Sure enough, the boy crossed his bedroom, took a record out, taking great care to bend down slowly, and put the record on.

Oh yes, he was teasing; flirting with Remus shamelessly. This was Remus' favourite game; David would be oh so coy, bending down and talking dirty, and he, Remus, would just sit there, face impassive, absorbing all of it, and not reflecting anything back. He made the boy beg for it. For once in his life he was in control. His identity was not merely a reflection in the eyes of another, no, he was to be chased...

Two hours later, and Remus crept out of David's derelict flat, and walked down the street home. He hadn't said anything, but Remus knew that it would be his last meeting with David. Remus had already decided not to come home his last year at Hogwarts; between ensuring all Os on his NEWTs, applying for jobs, and partaking in all the extra-curricular activities that he could, Remus wouldn't have time for holidays. He had to find a job, and the sooner he started looking, the better. He harbored no feelings for the boy, yet the final parting weighed on him, feeling like a finality of something else entirely.

The next day Remus could barely sit still; excited at the prospect of finally seeing his friends, and happy to leave the concerned gaze of his parents. He had decided to oblige Sirius' request; surprise me. With any luck, Mrs. Potter would neglect to mention that she knew Remus was due to arrive sometime in the coming day, and the surprise element would be complete. After much fussing, and threats that they could at any moment revoke their permission, Remus' parents finally said goodbye, and he was finally able to escape via the floo network. He was still a bit uneasy using the floo, as it was quite a recent invention; Remus remembered the first time he went to the Potters during the holidays first year, he rode on the back of his father's broomstick for hours. Although floo travel could be quite dizzying, it definitely beat travelling for hours via broomstick or knight bus.

Remus expected to see everyone in the kitchen, as it was nearing dinner time, and his stomach grumbled in anticipation. Though he would never say this within earshot of his own mother, James' mother made the best food, and he was looking forward to an excellent meal. The short but disconcerting journey was over, and Remus found himself in the massive hearth of the Potter's kitchen. It was dark, and quiet; he could distinctly hear the summer crickets outside through the crack of the window. _Lumos_ Remus raised his wand above his head to cast light on the kitchen. It was empty, and unused.

"Sirius?" Remus called out tentatively to the empty space in front of him. He walked from the kitchen to the living room to find it equally as abandoned.

"James? Mr. and Mrs. Potter?" Remus was feeling more uncomfortable by the moment; where could they be? They were, after all, expecting him. Remus tightened the grip on his wand.

"James?" he tried again, louder this time. He heard a *pop* and found himself face to face (well, more like face to waist) with the Potters' house-elf.

"Mr. Loopy, sir! You are most welcome! My masters will be home shortly! The Potters are dining out tonight, sir, to celebrate!" Remus always felt uncomfortable around house-elves; the idea of servitude (or, more accurately, slavery) didn't sit well with him, and he loathed their complacent attitude. He had read quite a lot about house-elf magic in his studies of magical beings, and knew that with their particular magic, house-elves could start quite the impressive rebellion. So why did they just sit there and take it? Why did they not revolt like the centaurs? He thought of the pictures he saw describing living conditions of werewolves at the turn of the century; how they were kept in the small cages lining the belly of the ministry. He liked to think that had he been alive then, he wouldn't take that treatment. He wouldn't be a subservient house-elf; he would fight back.

"Er, hello Grob. What are they celebrating?"

Must be something important, if they had taken the opportunity to actually dine out. Most celebrations, such as birthdays and holidays were lavishly hosted at the Potter estate; Mrs. Potter outdoing herself in both cuisine and presentation, each and every time.

"Mr. Loopy hasn't heard? Mr. Potter was made Head Boy! Oh, the missus is so proud!" Oh. James, Head Boy? Remus frowned, and lowered his wand.

"Are you sure, Grob? She said Head Boy? He received his letter and everything?"

Remus had served two years as prefect. He never expected the title of Head Boy, of course; prefect might be a title reflective of skill and intelligence, but Head Boy was always more symbolic, more political a position. Of course a werewolf could never be Head Boy. The very public nature of the position would ensure that his condition would be revealed.

All this, but...why James? Remus loved his friend, of course, and knew that for all the mischief they planned, James had a sense of responsibility and measure of caution (hidden there, somewhere deep). He had clearly seen this at play during the Incident. James always knew where to draw the line, but still he would get as close to that line as possible, testing the limits. Belby, the Ravenclaw prefect in their year would have been a fine choice. Remus couldn't even begin to imagine how his friend was feeling; did Dumbledore really expect James to forego all pranking? Because that was just cruel.

"Is the Mr. Loopy liking some tea, sir? Scones? Perhaps a sandwich?" As if on cue, Remus' stomach rumbled loudly.

"Yes, thanks Grob. If it isn't too much trouble, a sandwich and some scones." Remus pulled out his thermos from his rucksack and handed it to the elf.

"I brought my own blend. If you could just fill that up with hot water, that'd be grand. Tha-" Grob's eyes grew wide and he shook his head forcefully. He grabbed the thermos and set to work.

Remus sighed; it was worth a try. No matter how much they tried, Grob would still panic if they tried to thank him. The Potters had deemed it cruel to continue trying when he so obviously hated it, so they stopped. Still Remus tried, hoping to find some indication that the obsession with servitude was not the house elf's nature, rather an outcome of long standing social norms.

Remus accepted his now filled thermos with a smile, as he wrapped his hands around it. Sirius had given it for him for Christmas, 5th year, and since then Remus didn't go anywhere without it. He filled it up three times a day; green tea in the morning, chai at lunch time, and chamomile at night. The thermos held half a litre of tea, and always brewed it to perfection. Sirius had charmed it to identify the type of tea and adjust temperature and brewing time accordingly. He had to re-charm it with the appropriate brewing times for some more exotic blends, like chai, that Remus drank. The others often joked about his obsession with tea; calling him a baby that couldn't be anywhere without his bottle. Still, it had been one of Sirius' more thoughtful gifts.

Remus ate his roast-beef sandwich with gusto, and gladly accepted a plate of scones from Grob, delighted that they were Mrs. Potter's famous orange and ginger blend. Remus respected Mrs. Potter's immense talent with food, and often asked her for recipes. Remus had discovered cooking back in fourth year. He enjoyed the precision that went into it, and the pride at making something delicious. The problem with cooking, however, was that it was just like potions; he might love it in theory, but when it came down to putting everything together, it never came out right. Remus had attempted to bake Mrs. Potter's biscuits for Christmas once, and failed miserably. He did everything exactly right, and technically there wasn't anything wrong with the biscuits; it just wasn't as good as Mrs. Potter's. He was missing that "magic touch", both with cooking, and potions.

Remus thought back to his friends and could only imagine how awkward their dinner must be; if he were to guess correctly, James would spend the whole time with his mouth open, barely able to speak, and Sirius would be desperately trying to make him feel better, or distract him from the topic at hand. Remus smiled, the scene playing out in his head thoroughly entertaining him, when he saw the fireplace flash bright green. First came James who, as Remus guessed, was walking in a half-daze, his eyes wide in surprise. He noticed Remus, tried to say hello, failed, and then continued on to his room. Next came Mrs. Potter, looking thoroughly annoyed.

"Hi, Remus, dear, glad you could make it. Did you happen to see where James went?" Remus pointed to James' room, and Mrs. Potter hurried after him, muttering under her breath.

Mr. Potter flooed in next, clapped Remus on the shoulder, and took a biscuit. "Glad you're here, son; maybe you can talk some sense into the boy" and with that he went off to his study.

Next came Sirius, looking annoyed, but mostly lost. He spotted Remus, and charged immediately towards him. Remus knew the look on his face all too well; the save me look. It was the look that he gave him when a particularly insistent girl had him cornered, or when they were caught breaking rules; Sirius always looked to him to somehow get them out of it. Perhaps it was his way with words, or his mild manners, but somehow he usually did succeed.

"James' been made Head Boy!" Sirius blurted out, almost tripping on a chair. Remus pointed his wand at the chair, and pulled it out, motioning for him to sit.

"Really? I thought for sure you were a shoo-in for the job, Padfoot" Remus took another sip of tea to hide his smile.

"Wha- this isn't bloody funny, Remus! James Potter has been made Head Boy, and that means he has to follow rules, and attend meetings, and other such rubbish. What was Dumbledore thinking? And James is a bloody mess, now, and he has no idea what to do, and I have no idea what to do, and, and...fix it, Remus!"

Remus tried very hard not to roll his eyes. Yes, this was an unexpected turn of events, but it wasn't the end of the world! Remus looked at Sirius' face, expectant and a bit desperate, and sighed. He understood, of course, the challenges this posed for their friend group, and for Sirius especially; he just wished his friends would grow up. He wished that Sirius would at least make the effort to think things through, instead of relying on Remus' calm rationale.

"All right, come with me." He grabbed Sirius by the sleeve, and dragged him to James' room. He didn't bother with knocking, and found James banging his head on his writing desk.

"I believe a congratulations is in order?" James looked up, as if only now recognizing that Remus was there.

"Congratulations?! Would I congratulate you, Moony, if you had been eaten by the giant squid? Does this seem an appropriate moment for you to be congratulating me?" This time Remus did nothing to suppress his eye roll.

"James. Prongs, mate. Did you really just compare being Head Boy to being eaten by the giant squid? Let's think on this for a moment." Remus drew up a chair and sat directly across from James. Sirius was standing to the side, all too happy to let Remus handle this situation.

James was about to answer, but Remus cut him off.

"I want you to take five minutes right now of total silence, and compile a list of reasons why being Head Boy is a bad thing. Then tell me those reasons."

James opened his mouth to retort, but Remus was quicker, "Silencio"

Remus turned to Sirius, ignoring James' frantic arm movements and silent yells.

"Who was made Head Girl?" Remus suspected that he already knew the answer, yet it needed to be said out loud, to drive the point home.

"Evans." Sirius had taken to pacing around the room, shooting sympathetic glances at the silenced boy. James looked at Sirius, and then at Remus, and stopped gesturing at once, seeming to come to an understanding. He still had three minutes to go, however, and Remus wasn't going to let up early. Lily Evans, Head Girl. Remus knew, since he had read Hogwarts, A History many a time, that Lily would be the first muggleborn Head Girl.

Suddenly Dumbledore's reasoning seemed a lot clearer. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff 7th year male prefects were both halfbloods. That left Avery, the Slytherin Prefect. Avery was pureblood, yes, but was also the leader of a group of rather unsavory 7th years that were associated with dark arts. There was no doubt that Avery would be joining the new group of Death Eaters that had already caused much damage to the wizarding community. Hardly the kind of leader Dumbledore would want for his school, yet naming Lily Head Girl would raise protest amongst the purebloods (or at least those that cared about such things). He had to choose a pureblood, but one that was not so obviously affiliated with the dark factions influencing their world. That, of course, left only James. Things must be getting serious, Remus reasoned, if such obvious political forces were influencing Dumbledore's decisions to this extent.

Remus pointed his wand again at James, but Prongs remained silent. Sirius finally stopped pacing, and plopped himself on the edge of his friend's bed, looking at both of them expectantly.

James took off his glasses slowly and cleaned them with the hem of his robe. "I suppose I'll just have to be more careful about getting caught pranking, then. And think about it; I'll have the power to take points off, and give detention to anyone!" Sirius was nodding furiously in agreement. Remus' eyes narrowed; that wasn't exactly what he was going for, but it was better than nothing.

"And-" James stood up, his eyes wide with excitement, "Lily will have to spend time with me! I could woo her! I will woo her! And I get my own room!" Right on the money.

"James. This is the year; your last chance you'll truly have a chance with her." James' eyes widened, as if this was all too much for him to take in.

"But Remus, how? She...she bloody hates me. And I...I don't know what to do. I mean, I've acted like a jerk, I know that, but can I really change? Can I really 'represent the school' or whatever Dumbledore was on about? How do I get people to listen to me when I barely listen to anyone?" Remus offered him a small smile. Contrary to what Sirius thought, Remus didn't know exactly what to say to his friend; of course he knew exactly how to be a voice of authority, having had two years of practice, and generally enjoying it. Being Head Boy, though, seemed to go against everything that made James James, and Remus didn't know how to change a person, nor was he really keen on changing his friend's personality.

"Because I'll help you through it, mate. The Head Boy stuff, and the Lily stuff. As long as you don't expect miracles." Remus put on a brave and certain smile, trying his best to cheer James on. James looked as though he might hug him, but in the end settled for a thankful nod.

"Yeah, and how exactly do you propose to do that?" Sirius' sarcasm cut across the room like an arrow. Remus raised an eyebrow at his friend; something was clearly Bothering Sirius, and until it was settled they would have to put up with his moodiness. Typical Sirius trying shift attention to him, but Remus knew that what was bothering him was probably tied to James' appointment as Head Boy, and right now James' need was greater.

"Well, Sirius-" Remus countered with the same bite, warning him to back down. Sirius looked to the floor and shrugged his shoulders in surrender

"It's quite simple. Prongs, you know how you always know the best pranks?" James' face lit up

"Yeah, I do!"

"Well, it's because you are quite observant of people's personalities. You get what would piss them off more than anything. Like you know that Belby's obsessed with his hair, so of course the perfect prank for him would be to change his hair a different colour every hour."

"So, what, James should prank Lily?" Apparently Sirius had not quite surrendered. Remus closed his eyes and gathered his patience.

"James if you just apply the same principle, only unto understanding what makes Lily happy instead of ticked off, then you have a chance with her. Observe her like you would observe a potential target for a prank, but instead of thinking of the thing that would irk her the most, think of the things that she appreciates the most. Then do that. See where it takes you."

James looked as though he was considering this prospect carefully, and Sirius was impatiently tapping his fingers on the desk. Remus decided that it was time for a change of topic; he had done the best he could to resolve the issue for the time being, and it would be better if they didn't wallow in it.

"When's Wormy getting here?"

"He's not coming this summer, can you believe it?" Remus groaned; it seemed that this topic only fueled the fire that was building inside Sirius. At least he could get upset about something else.

"Said he had to work or some bollocks like that; this is our last summer, what could be more important than that? How are we supposed to plan effectively for the coming year if Peter isn't there to help us?"

Sirius might not have inherited Pureblood manners and notions, but there were other aspects of his upbringing that he couldn't shake loose; going from one affluent pureblood family to another affluent pureblood family does not a humble child make. Both Sirius and James were incredibly spoiled; not maliciously, rather having grown up with any material possession that they wanted, they had no concept of what it was like to be without. That wasn't to say that Sirius hadn't his fair share of injustice; the Black estate was no place for a child to grow up in, especially not when that child was Sirius Black. Remus' family wasn't affluent by any means, and he didn't get whatever he wanted like James or Sirius, but his parents had never burdened Remus with money issues; it was never his problem, or his responsibility.

Peter's family had always been poor. When they were kids they hardly noticed, because anyway it was always James or Sirius buying sweets and things for everyone. The older they got, however, the more Peter's family applied pressure on him to provide for the family, and the less they saw him on holidays. Furthermore, Peter's parents were irrationally proud, and would never allow Peter to stay at James' because they didn't want Peter "accepting charity". Peter's older brother was a famous owl breeder, and had all but left the family to fend for themselves. His mother was somewhat imbalanced, and in her opinion it was only natural that Peter become the breadwinner of the family.

Remus was about to retort, but it was James who spoke up

"Padfoot, Peter needs to work. His family doesn't have much, you know that. Give him a break, he's doing the best that he can but you know his mum is putting tons of pressure on him to get a good job and settle down and all that. Not everyone comes from money like we do, and we ought to remember that and support him." James' tone was quiet, yet severe, and it sounded like this was something he had wanted to vocalize for quite a while now.

Remus smiled, starting to see that Dumbledore had made the perfect choice.

Remus welcomed the silence waiting for him in one of the Potter's guest bedroom. With Sirius, everything seemed to be a crisis, and he seemed to be the only one who could resolve it. And this had actually been somewhat of a crisis. Remus frowned, trying to think about how the coming year would look, with James as Head Boy. For all Remus grumbled about breaking rules, and put up a rule abiding front, he was addicted to his friends' antics. It took a person truly unconcerned of what other's thought, to play pranks and annoy everyone. Obviously that person was not Remus, and so he lived the pranks vicariously through his friends; playing the role of the silent mastermind behind many successful plans.

Remus sat down on the pillow adorned ledge of the window, and opened it a crack. The incessant chirping of the crickets relaxing him, he sipped at his thermos, taking pleasure in the hot liquid pouring down his throat, and settling heavily in his stomach. The moon was waning, and he was here, with his friends. Remus had just started to wonder how Peter was faring, when there was a soft knock on his door, and Sirius entered, clutching his turntable.

"Fix it?" Sirius had an almost apologetic look on his face, as he stretched out his arms, offering the device to Remus. Remus had enough experience with Sirius to know that this gesture was a sign of truce.

Remus sighed, studying the turntable that he had charmed for Sirius. "It'll take me some time, and I might not be able to finish it until we get to Hogwarts. I need some books from there and well..." Remus' voice trailed off, and he felt his face go hot

"I, err, don't know if I could make it work again. Technically, such a charm as the one I put on this turntable doesn't actually exist. I was experimenting, and I honestly don't know if I can achieve the same outcome."

Remus was a half-blood; his mother being a muggle, and like all such children, felt that he was constantly back and forth between the magical world and the muggle world. His unique insight into the strengths and weaknesses of both worlds led to him trying to find a way to incorporate the two, and for years Remus conducted research and small experiments to try and incorporate electricity and magic. This had obviously failed magnificently, since such a thing went against all of the laws of nature, so he turned his attention to trying to take muggle items and adapt them to work off of magic. The culmination of all his hard work was the rusty old turntable that he gave to Sirius.

Sirius looked impressed as Remus explained this to him, and moved to sit down next to him on the ledge.

"What I like to know is how you find time to do all of this..." Remus was about to open his mouth to retort, when Sirius continued

"Never mind; I know how...your love affair with Madam Pince...suddenly it all makes sense; you exchange sexual favours for rare books!"

They both erupted into peals of laughter; it was an ongoing joke with the group that Remus had a torrid love affair with the Hogwarts' librarian. Sirius' love affair was with McGonagall, of course, and Peter's was with the giant squid. With James there was no need to imagine a love affair; Lily proved to be an adequate target for their merciless teasing.

"Seriously though Remus; that's amazing. I would say I can't believe you did all of that, but after seeing all that you put into the map, I can definitely believe it. Really amazing." Sirius put his hand on Remus' shoulder; what would usually be a light, friendly touch. But with the way Sirius was looking at him, his eyes burning with intensity, that hand suddenly felt like a ton of bricks weighing him down.


	5. Hogwarts Express

**Author's note: I have a few more chapters written and I really want to work on this project more. I'm desperately looking for a beta reader! Let me know if y'all like and are interested in me continuing this. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this world**

* * *

Peter adjusted his sweaty grip on the glossy magazine, careful not to ruin it. His cheek still a bit red from his mother's final, smothering kiss, he stepped on to the Hogwart's Express and immediately sought out the third compartment to the left, in the third car. He traced over six years of Marauder's initials etched into the cheap wallpaper on the left wall, and tried to pretend that this was not the last year they'd all ride the Express Hogwart's Express together. It was chance, really, that had led them to that very compartment six years ago, but by the end of the train ride they had all vowed to be sorted together and become best of friends. They sealed their pact by etching their names on to the wall using a letter opener. From then on they rode in the same compartment each year, their initials growing as they did.

He remembered the first time he step foot on the train, wondering if he'd ever come close to being as successful as his brother. Oliver had just started his prestigious owl breeding internship, after being Head Boy and top of his class. It was also the year that Oliver left home, leaving Peter with just his mother and grandmother to tend to. Reflecting back on his Hogwarts career, the only real accomplishment he achieved was his friends. And with that some impressive magic, like becoming an Animagus (no matter how small). Outside of his friends he was nothing, and within the group his accomplishments withered in the shadows of James' Quidditch captainship, Sirius' luck with the ladies, or Remus' seemingly endless mental capacity. Sometimes being a marauder felt a lot like one long pissing contest. Peter smoothed out the cover of the magazine and smiled; finally he had a piss worthy of the contest.

One of the greater achievements of being a marauder was the ability to make fun of one another; that precious balancing act of revealing an embarrassing secret of a close friend, yet not angering them. Peter was the brunt of many of these embarrassing reveals; from a pink pair of pants ("I swear, mother put in a red dress with the white laundry"), to a badly written valentine for a 7th year Hufflepuff when they were in 2nd year. Once Sirius moved to James' house it was quite easy to bring forth his own trophies: James' stuffed snitch, threadbare and covered in snot stains, or a picture of 5year old James riding a pony. Nobody dared delve into Sirius' childhood, so they instead sabotaged his dates, and teased him mercilessly for that one time he fucked a Slytherin. Only Remus had so far been able to escape these antics, and Peter was the only marauder left who still hadn't uncovered anything about the others. Thanks to the magazine in his hands now, however, Peter was set to reveal one of Remus' secrets; a feat no marauder had been successful in before.

He saw Remus first, struggling with his worn luggage, Sirius strolling beside him. Peter frowned; of course Remus had joined James and Sirius this holiday; only Peter had been forced to stay at home, scrubbing rat brains from the apothecary floors in the mornings, and tending bar at the village pub in the evenings. He had barely managed to finish his schoolwork, even with the load lessened by helpful outlines sent by Remus. For what seemed like the thousandth time he thought about the injustice of it; he was the only one who needed to work, the only one who didn't get to enjoy his holiday. And he barely even got to enjoy the fruits of his labor; his mother still took every moment to complain that the family didn't have enough money. More than once she had hinted heavily that perhaps it would be in the family's best interest that Peter not return for his last year in school. I won't let her have that he thought proudly; he rarely stood up to his mother in a direct way, but at that he had put his foot down quite firmly.

Peter squinted, searching eagerly for James, but could not find him anywhere, which was odd since he was usually never far from Sirius. Just as the train started moving, Remus and Sirius walked in. Remus was already in his robes, his prefect badge polished, if a bit scratched, pinned on to his uniform. Sirius was still in muggle clothing and plopped down across from Peter.

"Almost late for the prefects meeting! Shouldn't take long, hey Peter" and Remus went off to the first compartment to join the other prefects and this year's Head Boy and Girl. Peter never really paid attention to who was given the prestigious position, but now that he himself was a 7th year he found himself curious.

"Oy, Padfoot; who's Head Boy and girl? And where is James; off stalking Lily?" he added, noticing that James still hadn't arrived.

Sirius turned an odd shade of red, and balled up his fists. Did he say something wrong? What was going on? He had rather thought his jibe about Lily was quite funny.

"About that. Seems we forgot to send an owl, sorry mate" Peter's heart dropped; of course he had noticed the lack of letters from his friends, but he hadn't been too upset over it. They were all pretty bad at sending letters, especially Sirius. Peter had just assumed that their summer had been boring; he had been sure that if something noteworthy had occurred they would let him in on it!

Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes dramatically, entirely ignoring the other boy's disappointment. "Dumbledore seems to have finally lost it, and made James Potter the bloody Head Boy! With Lily as Head Girl."

Peter's first reflex was to offer congratulations, but as the words "that's brilliant!" were about to leave his lips, the full implications of Sirius' statement reached his awareness. His best friend, James Potter, troublemaker extraordinaire would be assuming a position of authority, stuffiness and rule defending. Did that mean he could no longer break the rules? Was Dumbledore out of his mind? More importantly, what did this mean for the marauders, of which James had always been the de facto leader?

Peter Pettigrew did not like change.

James stood at the front of the largest carriage, not quite taller than all of the prefects in front of him. Prefects that were now under his charge. And by extension, the whole bloody school. For the umpteenth time he wondered if Dumbledore had truly suffered memory loss when he made the decision to make him Head Boy. Might as well get on with it, he thought I refuse to look a fool in front of them. He motioned to speak but suddenly had a vision of a large, plump frog. He tried clearing his throat again.

"Welcome to another year; we'll try and keep this meeting brief" Lily's clear and commanding voice filled the compartment. Briefly her hand touched his, a gesture to indicate that she would take over. The only effect it had on James, however, was to slowly turn his face red. He made eye contact with Remus, who he could tell was trying hard not to look concerned at him, and he seriously considered just running out of the compartment. Until now his only concern about his appointment of Head Boy was the limitation on pranking. He was now coming to the realization, however, that his job would only be manageable if he earned and maintained the respect of the prefects. Prefects, who would do his bidding, but who were also some of the stuffiest students in Hogwarts, and therefore definitely did not respect him yet.

While he pondered this new challenge he let Lily take over for the most part, and she went over meticulously each and every school rule, and the appropriate punishments for breaking them. His mind started to drift to thinking about the snacks waiting for him from the trolley, when he caught the words "dark arts".

"…warned of potential new security measures given the increase activity of Dark arts…"

During their meeting the previous day, Dumbledore had warned them of the increased dark arts activities in the wizarding world, and of Voldemort and his supporters. Of course James, being the son of the head warlock of the Wizengemont, knew of the situation. What Dumbledore added though, was that Hogwarts could potentially be targeted to ensure maximum chaos. Dumbledore was in negotiations with the Board of Governers, who apparently did not believe that this was a real threat, to increase security throughout the castle and grounds. James had some ideas himself as to what measures would be appropriate, and he shared this information with Dumbledore, along with a promise to send an owl to his father to try and see if he could exert influence on the Board.

"Right, but how are we supposed to stay safe in the castle?" one of the 5th year Hufflepuff prefects was asking with a voice nearing hysteric. James felt Lily shift a little in discomfort, and finally he was able to find his voice.

"The castle is already very secure. There are countless wards that protect it day and night, as well as other lesser known mechanisms. We are doing everything to implement new security measures within the castle, but until then it is reasonable to assume that we're safe at Hogwarts. If any students have questions about the castle's safety you can refer them to me."

* * *

They were already past the English border, rolling serenely into Scotland by the time James was finished catching Peter up, complaining and relaying how the meeting went, in detail. Then Remus' commentary on the meeting had to be voiced, as well as Sirius interrupting to repeatedly curse Dumbledore, The Board of Governors, and Hogwarts itself. Wizarding sweets littering their laps, the boys were mostly silent, when Remus, sitting up suddenly as if he just remembered something, asked Peter "How was your summer, mate? Did your mother work you to death?"

Remus had been expecting Peter to complain about his summer, but instead he cleared his throat, and took out a magazine from under no less than 20 chocolate frog wrappings. "Glad you asked, Remus ol' chap. I was quite busy, true, but of course I had my moments of indulgence."

James and Sirius looked up from their card-swapping argument, puzzled. "Oh? Good to hear mate!" James said, as he tried to steal a card from Sirius' pile.

Peter cleared his throat again and raised his voice a bit. "Indeed. I decided to try out a restaurant in London, but you know, there are so many of them, I didn't know which one to choose! That's where this little magazine came in handy!" He dramatically unfolded the magazine and opened it to a page that had clearly been fox marked over and over. Remus was about to roll his eyes at this show, before he caught the title of the magazine: "Delights Magazine" and in a very Remus way panicked, which consisted of no outward sign except for him fussing with a chocolate frog wrapping.

"Oh come off it, mate!" James was saying "are you telling me that you wasted all your money eating at some ponce restaurant? I call a bluff!" Peter looked annoyed at this interruption, as clearly he had been practicing this big reveal…Remus' reveal, for quite a while. Seizing on this interruption, Remus joined "What did your mother have to say about that? I thought all of your wages were to go to her?" It was a low blow and he knew it, but at the present moment his sense of self preservation won over his sense of shame.

Color creeped up Peter's cheeks, but he managed a glare at Remus. Even Sirius had abandoned his attempts to steal James' cards, and was now giving Peter his full attention. Satisfied, Peter continued "As I was saying, this muggle magazine had some brilliant reviews. Take this one for example…"

"Was that Lily who just passed by?" Remus falsely exclaimed, hoping to thoroughly derail Peter's plan. Astonishingly, James barely glanced at the window; "nah mate; just the prefects patrolling; Lily is with the other 7th year girls way on the other side of the train, but Peter, tell us more! I always wondered what muggle restaurants were like"

"Yeah" chimed in Sirius "Though why you chose a muggle restaurant I still don't get"

Peter seemed momentarily stumped by this, and answered "They're cheaper. Now do you want to hear this review?" and without waiting to hear their answers – Remus was about to attempt to interrupt again – launched into the review in his best approximation of a posh London accent.

"The seaside theme of the restaurant seemed rather contrived, what with the anchors adorning each wall, and the lifeboat shaped place mats. The menu was equally unimaginative, with nothing more than the usual fish and chips, and chowder. The food, though it arrived promptly, clearly attempted elegance in presentation, yet remained squarely in the realm of cliché. The dish, too, was a disappointment; the fish, not terribly fresh to begin with, drowned out by loud and confusing sauces…"

"Bit cheeky, innit?" Sirius interrupted.

"Are you kidding me?" Joined James "That was bloody vicious. Who wrote it anyway?"

Remus jumped in before Peter could respond

"Why do you want to know? It's not like you would recognize the name of some random muggle writer anyway".

James shrugged in agreement, but Peter was not going to give up, and before anyone else could interrupt him he shouted

"RJ MOON, THAT'S THE WRITER"

Remus tried his best not to react, in case his friends didn't make the connection themselves.

"RJ…" Sirius was muttering to himself, and he looked Remus over, his eyes finally resting on Remus' hands, that were now viciously ripping to shreds a Chocolate Frog wrapper.

"Moony?" Sirius inquired.

"No!" James exclaimed.

"And I found it!" Peter reminded.

"Ok, yes." Remus admitted.

Remus himself couldn't exactly pinpoint why he had kept this a secret from his friends. He had sent in his first restaurant review after a spectacularly bad dining experience with David when they had gone in to London for a concert summer last year. He had done it without expectation, simply as a cathartic way to relieve some pent up sass. He was completely surprised when a month later David sent him an issue of "Delights Magazine" and he had seen his review published. Remus had always had a discerning palette, and enjoyed putting it to use. After a successful summer of reviews, the magazine even started covering expenses for him to visit various restaurants in the country, and Remus was able to maintain his anonymity. Only David knew of this side hobby, and he rather enjoyed laughing over his reviews with him. Remus supposed, in a way, that his secret identity as a food critic was inexorably tied to his whatever-it-was with David, and therefore, to his sexuality. Which is why he was not too keen of three inquiring and slightly demanding sets of eyes on him.

"Cor!" James exclaimed "that's bloody brilliant! What else are you hiding from us, a wife?"

Secrets were a touchy subject amongst the Marauders, and Remus breathed out a small sigh of relief when it seemed evident that no one was going to call him out on his secret keeping. The rest of James' question was less well received, and some small part of him wondered if now was the right time to perhaps let go of his final secret. But Remus, who had grown up cherishing secrets like a baby cherishes his first blanket, was not keen to part with it just yet.

"A wife? Not bloody likely" the words left Remus' mouth tasting bitter, and dripping with sarcasm. Upon reflection, Remus thought that had his friends been particularly observant, they might have picked up on some clues now and then, and guessed his sexual orientation. James was observant, true, but also didn't even register being gay as a possibility. Not among his mates!

An hour later and James had left the compartment to cover for a prefect who had poked her head into the carriage and announced that she was going to be sick…and then was spectacularly sick on the floor in front of them. Peter had nodded off to sleep, full with pride that he had pulled off such a delicate feat. Even Remus seemed relaxed enough for someone who had just had a large secret revealed. This instantly made Sirius mad; was it so easy for Remus to hide things from them? What else was he hiding from them? What else is he hiding from me?

"You know, you shouldn't say things like that" Remus tore his eyes away from the window.

"Thinks like what?" Sirius didn't even know why he was fixating on this, really. Out of all the things.

"Saying that you'll never have a wife. Someday you'll find someone who doesn't hate Moony. That is what you want, right?"

Remus abandoned all pretenses of trying to flip through a book, and looked Sirius directly in the eye.

"Well I don't want a wife."

Oh… Oh… Oh? Sirius knew he was on thin ice. Thin ice covered with eggshells that could explode like dungbombs. Was Remus really saying what he thought he was? Or was it wishful thinking on Sirius' part? The part of Sirius that wants to do things to Remus he's only heard of in books, or the part of Sirius that would die for Remus, and kill for him too. Sirius knew that this required delicate handling, but Sirius is not a delicate person.

"But you want to be in love?"

Remus sighed, and Sirius thought it made him seem somehow twice his age.

"Yes. I of course I want to be in love. I want partnership. I want sex and I want romance, just not with a…"

Peter belched loudly and stirred, and Remus froze.

"Listen," he continued, "I can't talk about this here. In front of Peter. Or James. Forget I said anything"

But Sirius was not good at forgetting, and he was even worse at just letting things go.


	6. A Very Sirius Plan

The next week saw Sirius more occupied with formulating a Plan, than focusing on his NEWT level classes. He was sure that Remus had been just about to tell him that he's gay, and Sirius was determined to know the truth. To know the truth, and to uncover a Remus Secret. Sirius had experience in this; it was Sirius after all who had uncovered Remus' Furry Little Problem. As the week dragged on, however, Sirius found himself with no good options. Every idea that he turned over his mind was either too direct and risky, or too indirect and useless.

Sunday found Sirius restless and agitated. Most of the students were outside enjoying the warm weather and blazing sun, knowing that they would not likely see such a perfect day for the rest of the year. James and Peter were out on the pitch, Peter throwing bludgers and James batting them away. Sirius really didn't feel like joining them, or stopping to say hello to Marlene and Lily sunbathing by the lake. He didn't even feel like antagonizing Snivellus, who was predictably close to Lily, standing by the edge of the forest a few meters away. What Sirius really wanted to do was change into Padfoot and run and run and run. Padfoot didn't have complicated feelings and didn't dwell on "What ifs?" Padfoot knew he loved Moony because Moony was in his pack and there was nothing complicated about that. But there were too many students about to not notice a big black dog running around, and going into the forest seemed like an insult to such a beautiful day.

With a dramatic sigh Sirius headed to the dormitory to nap, something he rarely did. In the common room sat Remus, several books on auditory charms surrounding him. In the middle of the table was Sirius' turntable, and Remus had his wand trained on it, muttering charms under his breath. The common room was otherwise completely empty, which was expected given how nice of a day it was outside. Suddenly the solution to his problem became clear to him. Sirius functioned best at the spur of the moment, all plans laid to rest.

"Remus. I know you're gay." Remus lowered his wand, and the turntable that had been floating a few inches off the table landed with a gentle thud.

"Took you long enough to figure it out." Remus started closing the books around him and gestured for Sirius to sit in the armchair across from him.

Sirius knew that Remus was anything but calm; the piece of parchment between his hands being shredded mercilessly into smaller and smaller pieces. Still, this illusion of Remus being calm, collected and unconcerned brought all of Sirius' frustrations to the surface .

"There wouldn't be anything to figure out if you would just stop keeping things from me! No one bloody cares if you're gay!"

At this Remus abandoned all pretenses.

"No one cares? No one cares? Then explain to me what happened with Belby last year. Explain to me how it is that McDougal beat the shit out of Belby when he was seen kissing some other bloke. And just the day before you all were joking about it to the Ravenclaw boys? So yes, I think that James and Peter and you do care!"

Sirius wasn't often rendered speechless, yet here he was, mouth agape and mind running. He sat finally, slowly, and buried his head in his hands. Had they really done that? The memory had barely registered with him; it was just another thing to tease someone with, to trade information with. He hadn't connected that teasing with the image of Belby the day after, bleeding and bruised as his parents came to pull him out of school. And what did that mean for him, Sirius? What if it had been him, or worse, what if it had been Remus they caught in the broom cupboard with another man? Would he have lost him forever then?

"Sirius?" said Remus, his voice closer now.

"Remus. Bloody hell, I didn't realize. We were all just having a laugh, I didn't _think_…."

"No" Remus gently interrupted him "you generally don't"

"Remus this isn't funny! I was a complete prat! I don't really care, you know. I don't think James does either." He forced himself to raise his head and look at Remus.

"Maybe you don't, but you can see why I kept it to myself." Sirius nodded, and wondered where to go from here.

"How long have you known?" Sirius tried, really tried to keep accusation out of his voice.

"For a few years now, I guess. When I started thinking about sex I realized I was thinking about blokes mostly."

Now Sirius was curious. "What kinds of things would you think about?"

Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise. This was not the kind of question he expected when coming out to his friends.

"Er, do you really want to know the details? How I think about have a hard cock in my mouth, or the feel of a man's arse in my hands?"

Sirius eyes went wide and he lifted himself from the armchair and started pacing. Pacing to avoid his thoughts screaming at him _this is what you think about when you lay down to sleep, about doing those things with that man right there_.

"Yeah, I rather thought not." Remus' voice held a note of disappointment in it that had Sirius' stomach in knots.

"Sorry mate. I'm just…fuck I'm just a little surprised. Have you been with a guy before?"

Remus hesitated, slightly.

"Yeah, I have. And no, I won't say who, or how far I've gone. And Sirius? You can't tell anyone about this, not even James, or Peter. It's my thing to tell, on my terms."

Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but then thought better of it. He had accomplished what he set out to do; to uncover a Remus Secret. The rest of it would just have to wait, and Sirius knows that with Remus trust is earned.

* * *

_Dear David,_

_Well, it finally happened. My dense friends finally figured it out. I should specify; one of my closest friends figured it out. So it's out there with him now and he says he's ok with it, which I mostly believe. I suppose I should feel relieved, but I'm mostly just wary. This friend, I'll call him snuffles, doesn't let something go if he's curious. When he found out that my mother's non-magical he started pelting me with all these questions about toasters and how possibly can you survive without magicking away a mess. I have a feeling he's going to be the same way about this; asking incessant detailed questions. He already asked me what I think about when I think about blokes. Watching his face change as I told him about some of the raunchiest thoughts I've had was priceless. Poor boy._

_Anyway, that's the big news with me. I usually don't write so early in the term, but you're kind of the only one who would understand. I hope uni is going well. By the way I've been training Lila here to only drop off letters to you if there's no one around, but it's a work in progress. Let me know how she acts. And please stop feeding her cat food; it makes her sick and angry._

_Yours most raunchily,_

_Remus_

The full moon was only a few days away, and as a consequence Remus was getting increasingly antsy. He was holed up in the back room at the library, trying to work through a particularly difficult Ancient Runes problem set. Usually he would have been able to make headway by now, as identifying patterns was somewhat of a specialty for him. But the moon's heady influence pulled stronger than Remus' cool intellect, and he found himself pacing more than reading. Pacing, and thinking. Thinking about Halloween next month, thinking about whether he should come out to James and Peter, thinking about Sirius' strange reaction to his coming out, thinking about chocolate, thinking about sex. Thinking a lot about sex. The moon always had that effect on him; all desires and impulses bubbling to the surface. He wonders if this is how Sirius feels, always, and whether he acts without thinking so that those impulses don't overcome him. It scares him because while he cherishes desire he wants to experience it on his own terms, under his control. And days like this, close to the moon Remus wasn't sure whose desires he felt so intensely; his or the Wolf's.

Remus was too antsy to sit, so he was standing, his Runes textbook floating at chest level, and the problem set glowing in floating characters before him. He stopped his pacing and took two long dregs of chamomile tea. Usually around the afternoon he would be caffeinating with some of his more flavorful blends, but it was always a bad idea to give the emerging wolf caffeine. The hot liquid was soothing going down his throat, even as it was so hot that it almost burned. He took a few deep breaths, and turned back to the problem set. He wished he could listen to music in the library. Music would keep his mind from wandering just enough to be able to get through his school work. What he really wanted was a pair of headphones. He had first seen some at David's house, and was immediately excited about the idea of listening to music in otherwise quiet places. He could charm the turntable to be smaller and bring it with him to the library then, and listen without incurring the wrath of Madame Pince. He wrote a note in his small notebook to inquire with David in his next letter how much it costs to acquire a pair so he could start working on charming them too. If it worked out well he could even give a pair to Sirius for Christmas. That would make the rest of Gryffindor house happy, not having to listen to Sirius's music at full volume.

And yes, Remus was thinking about Sirius, a lot. He wasn't completely surprised that Sirius had been the one to figure things out first; he was perceptive when he wanted to be. He was, however, confused at Sirius' reaction to his coming out. David had written back agreeing that Sirius' questions were strange, and even went so far as to suggest that Sirius himself might be questioning his sexuality. A year ago he would have scoffed at the idea that Sirius could be anything but ramrod straight, but lately….Remus tried to ignore some of the ways their relationship changed lately, or tried to attribute it to something else. Everything was more intense with Sirius; his touches, once boyish roughhousing or friendly reassurances seem to now burn with intensity. With desire. And Remus couldn't just ignore how Sirius was always watching him; at first he thought this had to do with the Incident, but that was already a year ago, and still he felt Sirius' stormy eyes on him always. And those eyes were filled with more than just concern or remorse.

These things, while not ignored, were easy for Remus to brush off. Sirius got obsessive like that sometimes, and besides, trails of exploits in the feminine form didn't leave a lot of room for Remus to think that Sirius could like boys. But mostly, Remus couldn't believe that Sirius could like him. Not in that way.

"Moony." Remus started, and as a result the book he had been floating almost fell to the floor. He caught it last minute with his wand, wincing at the thought of what Madame Pince would do to him if he damaged _Languages of Magic_, and placed the book gently on the table.

"Blimey Pads, where'd you come from?" It's not like Sirius never visited the library, rather he usually went for the purpose of looking up something for a prank, and was therefore with another marauder. It was dark in the back corner, and Remus squinted but couldn't see anyone with Sirius.

"It's past ten, Moony, and not even close to exam time. You should head back and rest." Remus consulted his watch. Great, he had been here since dinner and barely got anything done. He looked back at his runes problem, the symbols now fading into the darkness of the library, and sighed. He knew Sirius was right; the moon would only go worse for him if he didn't rest, and besides his runes project wasn't due for another two weeks.

Sirius waited, somewhat impatiently judging by the bounce of his foot, as Remus gathered his things into his bag, and they started walking out of the library.

"Remus Lupin, if you think you are walking out of here with my only copy of _Languages of Magic_ you clearly aren't as bright as everyone thinks you are!" _Bugger_ the thought _I thought I could slide that by_.

"Is that really what everyone says?" Remus answered as he returned the book to Madam Pince's desk "That I'm clever? You really shouldn't flatter me so!"

Sirius and Remus were still guffawing as they turned the corner to the common room.

"Aw that was brilliant Moony; the look on Pince's face! Dare I say I saw her blush?"

"Har har, Sirius" Remus enjoyed his moment of sass, but it tired him out.

"What were you doing in the library anyway, Padfoot?" Remus wondered if the others had started planning for Halloween early and Sirius was doing the necessary research.

"I told you. It was getting late and I came to remind you to sleep." Something fluttered in Remus' stomach. Sirius had come all the way to the library just to look after him? But that was what friends did, right? Sirius always looked after him, even before he found out that he was a werewolf.

"I appreciate it, Pads"

Remus reached out and squeezed Sirius' shoulder briefly. He held his breath and immediately started worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. Was this too much touch? Could Sirius feel what he felt; the warmth, the trust, the need? How could he not, what with the way he was looking at him now, setting fire to his limbs.

"Anytime, Moony." And now Sirius' hand reached out to his other shoulder, and Remus couldn't think of anything, lost in Sirius' touch.

A scuffle down the hall signaled that someone was approaching, and as if by telepathy both boys' hands fell from each other. Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly, and Remus tried not to vomit, sob or laugh with the sudden release of feeling.

Sleep was a long time coming, as Remus carefully examined all of the possibilities between him and Sirius: Nothing changes and they remain friends, they fuck for a while but Sirius ultimately moves on, Remus makes a move on Sirius but he isn't interested and they lose their friendship. No matter what he pictured, they all seemed to end with him alone, and hurt.


	7. The Scratch

**Author's Notes: As usual I don't own anything. Hope you like this chapter! We'll get back to Remus and Sirius next chapter.**

"What got into the two of you last night?" It was the morning after the full moon and the boys were heading back through the passageway, Sirius leaning between James and Peter.

James, Sirius and Peter rarely sustained injuries from their monthly run with the wolf, but something had been different last night. James had never seen the wolf, _Remus_, respond to Padfoot so aggressively before. Sure, their first moon ever there was a very brief struggle for dominance that immediately ended with Padfoot laying down in front of Moony in submission. Since then, however, the wolf and dog had mostly just played together, even Prongs long legs struggling to catch up with their running.

James started to worry as he noticed the light trail of blood that Sirius was leaving behind as they made their progress. The boys had never had the need to master healing spells; they were confident in Madam Pomfrey's ability to arrive in time to assist Remus with any injuries he sustained.

"Padfoot mate, how you holding up?" Peter met James eyes and James saw the concerned mirrored in them.

"Not…too…bad" Sirius struggled to bite out. At this James became truly alarmed; he could hear the pain lacing Sirius' every words.

"Wormy, stop. Wait, let's just stop for a second." _Don't panic you're Head Boy, don't panic you're Head Boy_ was the litany running through James' head. Slowly they stopped and propped Sirius against the damp wall of the passageway.

"_Lumos_" James lit his his wand and backed up, pointing it at Sirius. The leg looked…well it looked bad, and crusty. Blood covered his lower leg, though thankfully it was not gushing out. Older blood matted his hair, and the edges of the wound were jagged and deep. Even more alarming, however, was the look on his friend's face; he looked paler than James had ever seen him, and a thin film of sweat shone on his face.

"What're we going to do? What should we do Prongs?" Peter's voice got progressively more high pitched and James could tell that he was starting to get panicked.

"Let's get the cloak on him. I'll walk in front and levitate him with my wand behind me and then Wormtail, you bring up the rear and quietly _evanesco_ the blood spots. We'll bring him up to the dormitory and figure it out from there." James ripped the bottom of his robe and tied it tightly around the wound. Sirius cursed inventively but James saw the bleeding slow down.

The corridors were thankfully empty, it being too early in the morning for most students and professors to be awake and about. They arrived to their dormitory with no incident, barring James' sore wand arm, and Sirius was splayed out dramatically on his bed. The piece of fabric tied around Sirius leg did little to stop the blood, and now James was really starting to get concerned.

"Right mate, I reckon only Pomfrey can sort this mess" For the most part Madame Pomfrey didn't usually ask question of the Maruaders when they showed up with various suspicious injuries, but she was starting to get suspicious that they were getting too close to Remus during the full moons and had lectured at them before that she had no tolerance for that.

"Not Pomfrey!" Sirius said in alarm, trying to sit up and then cursing with pain.

"It's ok mate, we'll make up some story about what happened to your leg. I can't fix it, and you're losing blood." James was starting to get really worried; what would happen if they didn't get the leg healed soon?

"Not. Pomfrey." Sirius managed to bite out. "Remus can't know what happened."

James thought this over; Remus' number one fear was that he hurt someone during the moons, and would never forgive himself if he knew he hurt one of his friends. Thankfully as Animagi they needn't fear contracting lycanthropy, but Remus still asked them every morning after the full moon if he had hurt anyone. Remus would definitely be in the hospital wing then, and would find out. This would devastate him, and they might not let them join him the next full moon, which could only mean real danger for Remus.

"Peter. Go get Lily. She's probably at breakfast. Go get her quick and tell her I need her for emergency Head Boy stuff. Try not to be overheard." Lily was the most proficient in their class at healing, and even interned with Madame Pomfrey three times a week. James just hoped she didn't ask too many questions.

"Good call, mate" Sirius said weakly, and rest his head back on the pillow. The next ten minutes passed by impossibly slow, James chatting to Sirius and forcing him to pay attention to him and respond. He vowed to himself to learn some basic healing charms as soon as he got the chance.

"Peter I don't see why James had to meet me in the boy's dormitory…" James could hear Lily approaching, and thankfully she was hurrying.

Lily had finally caught up on sleep. Between Head Girl duties, classwork and hours spent in the Hospital Wing aiding Madam Pomfrey, Lily had started term seriously sleep deprived, and not able to catch up. Finally she didn't have a shift with Pomfrey last night, and Lily had been in bed by 9. She was feeling optimistic about the day; she was rested, had double potions later on and then maybe her and Marlene could go down to the kitchens for some hot chocolate and biscuits after dinner. Serving as Head Girl with James Potter had certain benefits, like knowing the secret of how to access the kitchens. It had other benefits, too; ones that she wouldn't admit to anyone, not even her friends.

"Oy Lily, did you read the prophet today?" Vance was shoving the morning's edition towards her.

"_In a rare interview, so called 'Death Eaters' provide statement about motives 'We must keep wizarding blood pure and good'. Minister for Magic Harold Minchum: 'The message is valid, but I can't agree with violence._'"

Lily took a deep breath and stuffed the newspaper into her bag to read at a later time. Suddenly the eggs she had been eating tasted like sawdust. Her classmates were well meaning but they didn't know how much reading these kinds of things effected her. How could they know? They weren't Muggleborn. For them these headlines were all about politics and drama. For Lily it meant her life. She felt as though dark clouds were starting to cover her bright day.

This was only confirmed by the presence of Peter. Peter was definitely less obnoxious than Sirius and James but Lily liked him the least. And she hated herself for it; she hated herself for disliking the boy most likely to be picked on, the underdog. There was just something about him, in the way that he followed the other boys so obsessively that made her feel uncomfortable. Remus was strikingly different than the other boys, but at least he was his own person, not just a copy of the worst qualities of James and Sirius.

"Tell James I'll be by after breakfast, Peter; I just got here!" From across the table Marlene raised her eyebrow in question, and Lily just shrugged.

"Lily please. Lily it's an emergency! Head Boy stuff!" Peter was now positively whispering, which Lily thought to be slightly idiotic given that everyone around her could still hear him fine. Still, she was slightly concerned at the panic in his voice.

"Alright Peter, fine! But James owes me. Marlene, save me some toast would you love?" Now Lily's day was positively going down the drain. She followed Peter to the Gryffindor common room where he said James would be waiting, and he was moving faster than she had ever seen him move. _It must really be an emergency_ Lily thought to herself, and shivered in fear when she thought back to the hours long discussion she had had with Dumbledore about Hogwarts security. But no, if it was something like that then people would be running left and right.

"Ok he's up in our dormitories, hurry!" Lily narrowed her eyes; maybe James was playing some kind of trick on her? She had turned him down for dates before, but even though James could be a jerk she didn't really think he'd try and lure her into his rooms!

"Peter I don't see why James had to meet me in the boy's dormitory…" Lily hurried after him nonetheless; he didn't give her a choice as he rushed ahead. The door opened and she saw Sirius on the bed, blood pooling around his leg.

"What in the world!" She was already rushing to him, wand drawn.

"Lily, we didn't know what else to do. Please help him!" Lily stopped in her tracks at the sound of absolute panic in James' voice.

_Remember what Madame Pomfrey says: heal first, questions later_. Lily threw off her robes, not wanting to get them bloody, and came to the foot of Sirius' bed. He was conscious, which was good, though his face was pale and covered in sweat. He was in pain, and a lot of it. Too bad she didn't know any pain relieving spells yet.

"Is it just the leg?" Lily asked, and at a nod from James pointed her wand at the leg.

"This will hurt. _Scourgify_." The crusted blood washed away and she was able to properly see the wound. It was three deep scratches, about three inches long. The wound immediately filled with blood again, and while the scratches were deep the blood was not gushing, which told Lily the bleed was not arterial. Well if it was he'd probably be dead by now, She reckoned. Still it was bleeding quite profusely, and she wanted to stop the blood while she cleaned and closed the wound.

"_Constringit Vena_" she muttered and was happy to see the blood stop flowing immediately. Not that she would tell anyone in the room, but she hadn't actually tried that particular spell before. Sirius winced in pain and Lily learned that Remus had definitely been teaching him some muggle swear words.

"Easy now; this will hurt worse. _Antiseptum bacterium_" Thankfully she had done this antibacterial spell many times before, so she was confident that it worked, though there was no visual confirmation.

"Sirius, breath, try to relax; the worst of it already over." She motioned for James to hold his leg down as he was trying to jerk it away from her. She was pleased to see James quickly jump to action. Now came the real test of her abilities. She took a deep breath and tried to concentrate fully.

"_Prope Secare_" she said, and a light blue light washed over the leg. She felt the magic leave her wand and pictured in her mind the different layers of skin stitching together. She took a moment to admire her handiwork and was frustrated to see that there was a thin scar there. Madame Pomfrey wouldn't leave a scar.

"_Solve Vena_" she said lastly, to restart the blood flow from the veins that she had stopped before to curb the bleeding. Sirius stopped struggling, and promptly leaned over the bed to vomit.

"Sirius, are you ok? Is he ok? What should we do?" Peter was positively hovering; she could almost feel his breath on her skin.

"Totally normal reaction, just get him some water." Boys were always worse at handling pain.

"Great, well thanks for the help Lily, and I'll see you at potions!" James said, with what he probably thought was a charming smile.

"Oh no. Not so fast. You will now tell me exactly what the bloody hell is going on here, and why you couldn't go to Madame Pomfrey! And I'm not leaving until I have answers."

James wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he hated the sight of blood. It made him anxious and feel sick to his stomach, so he was glad when the bleeding finally stopped and Sirius' wound was all healed up. He wasn't stupid enough to think that bossy, stubborn, nosy (wonderful, kind, beautiful) Lily would actually leave without asking questions, but his name wasn't James Potter if he didn't at least try.

"Nothing to worry about, dear! Just a prank gone awry." James was going for the stalling approach, hoping that if he ran circles around her long enough she'd give up.

"Nope. Not buying it. If it were just a prank you'd have gone to Madame Pomfrey. After all, you have gone to her with some…embarrassing injuries before." She said, with a triumphant smile on her face.

"Low blow! Low blow!" Peter called out, face turning red.

"Yes. It was rather _below the belt_, wasn't it?" James was getting angry now; it had taken Peter months to get over the embarrassment of Easter Prank '76, and James wasn't about to let Lily ruin that progress for Peter.

"Alright, enough. Lily, come with me and I promise I'll tell you everything." James shot a look to Peter warning him to be quiet. It's not that he didn't trust Peter, rather he always seemed to say the absolute wrong thing at precisely the right time.

"James, what's this all about. You told me you would take a breather from wreaking havoc now that you're Head Boy." Lily said, arms folded across her chest.

"Hey, that's not on, Lily! I, we, haven't done anything wrong. This wasn't our fault." James was ticked off; they had held back on so many great pranks just to please her. To show her that he had finally changed.

"Ok, sure, so then what?" James took a deep breath and hoped that Sirius would forgive him for this deception. He gestured for Lily to sit down, and tried to look as sad and worried as possible.

"You know how Sirius' family hate him, right? Well I'm sorry to say it goes beyond hate." James said with as solemn a tone as he could manage.

"Are you saying that Sirius' family did this to him? Who was it, Regulus? Bellatrix?" James shook his head, and lowered his voice.

"We aren't too sure; the attack was indirect, but we know they orchestrated it. Lily, please, you can't tell anyone about this, not even Dumbledore." James resisted the urge to reach out to her. They had been sharing more touches and moments together since the year started, but he didn't want to connect to her through deception.

"James, they can help. The people who did this need to be held responsible." _Why do you have to be so bloody stubborn?_ James thought.

"Lily come on, we can't do that. Think of what will happen to Sirius when he returns home. This is bigger than school rules. Think about the kinds of people Sirius' family is becoming." James was near begging at this point, but he couldn't let Lily continue digging; the results would be disastrous.

"Ok…Ok. I understand. I won't tell anyone. I need to go to the Hospital Wing and bring Sirius some blood replenishing potion though. Make him rest until I come back with the potion, and have him try and drink water." James felt his shoulders relax in relief.

"James, I can see how worried you are, and I'm sorry this happened." And before he knew it Lily was crossing over to him and enveloping him in a hug. He wanted to badly to hug her back, to run his fingers through her thick red hair, but instead he held back. He didn't deserve this hug.

James knew that this lie would be the one thing that could convince Lily not to pursue Sirius' injury further. She understood what was at stake. And he hated himself for using that against her; using her goodness and her intelligence against her. And now here she was, hugging him as someone who would do anything to keep his friend safe. But that was not who he was; he had not kept Sirius safe, and even worse he was using his troubled history to lie to her.

Lily pulled away, and James smiled weakly at her, hating that he could feel his cheeks getting warmer.

"Right well, I'm off to Pomfrey, see you later. Make sure he eats!" She called over her shoulder, and James watched Lily Evans walk away, feeling like he was nothing less than scum.


	8. Hospital Wing

**AN: Please review! Note that when I use "mate" I don't mean it in a "werewolves have mates" kind of way. I just wanted to use the animals' thoughts to be a jumping off point for Remus and Sirius to process their own. **

* * *

There was pain and confusion. There is always pain and confusion after the full moon, and the pain has become almost a comfort to Remus. He knows to expect it, and it's always there, waiting for him. He was awake, but closed his eyes anyway; even the dim sun in the cloudy sky was too much for him. Remus started his morning ritual; mentally checking every inch of his body for injuries. There was deep soreness on his left thigh that if it wasn't for Pomfrey would probably bruise. _On second thought, it might just bruise anyway_, Remus thought as he winced; the pain increasing with his own awareness. There was a similar soreness on his right arm, and his face felt like it had been through a meat grinder.

_What happened last night?_ Remus thought to himself as he continued to catalog injury after injury. Ever since his friends had become Animagi there was usually only (only!) the after effects of the excruciating pain of transformation, or occasionally some scratches on his leg from where the wolf went through some wild patches of forest. He made another attempt at opening his eyes, and saw that Madam Pomfrey was in her office, brewing a potion. He sniffed the air: blood replenishing potion…and closed his eyes again.

He must have made a noise, or perhaps it was hours afterward, because Pomfrey was at his side, checking him with her wand and wiping his forehead with something cool, and wet.

"Are you able to eat something, dear? Last night didn't go so well, so I'm afraid it's only soft foods for now." He tried to nod, because even turning into a murderous monster each month didn't mean he couldn't be polite to the woman who healed him. All that came out was a quirk of his lips.

"We'll try a bit later. I'll be in my office, dear. The Blood Replenishing Potion shipment is late and Lily's used up my last bit, so I need to brew some more. Tap your wand if you need me." Remus always enjoyed the way Madam Pomfrey would prattle on while he was in the hospital wing, her soft voice lulling him to sleep. At the sound of Lily's name however, Remus started to panic and bit back a scream of pain as he tried to sit up. Did Lily see him?

"Relax, dear. Try not to move. Lily didn't come this far into the wing. She didn't see you." Pomfrey's hand was firm on Remus' shoulder, and he slumped back. _Safe._

And sometimes there are dreams. Dreams through the Wolf's eyes that fill in some of the gaps in Remus' memories. Remus saw the Wolf and his Padfoot rolling around the floor of the forest, yipping at each other. The wolf looks angry and accusatory, but Remus can't always access the Wolf's thoughts. Padfoot tries to lay down in front of the Wolf in submission, but the Wolf does not accept. The Wolf wants more from Padfoot, more. The Wolf swipes angrily at Padfoot's leg, and Padfoot yelps out in pain, slinking away as Prongs runs in between them. The Wolf thinks: I_s Padfoot my packmate, or my mate?_

Remus woke from the unusually vivid dream, sweating, still feeling a little of the Wolf's anger. _Sirius?_

* * *

Sirius was angry. He was angry because Lily saw him be sick, and he was angry because of the lie that James had to tell to satisfy her bloody nosiness. Sirius agreed with James that it was probably the best idea, but the problem now was that Lily saw him as a victim. Bloody hell, Lily probably pitied him! And all of that because they had to walk on eggshells around Remus' bloody feelings. The moment he felt better (with the help of the Blood Replenishing Potion), he set off the to the Hospital Wing. Typically the boys would "visit" Remus, pretending that they hadn't just spent the night with him, before breakfast. Sirius hated the idea that Remus had probably already woken up and he hadn't been there.

As it was, Remus was asleep. He was having one of his post moon dreams; Sirius could tell because he was snarling in his dreams like the Wolf did. Remus tended to have these dreams in the mornings after the moon, but Sirius would never let him know that they saw him like that. Even in his fitful sleep he looked so beautiful, even as his face was covered in bruises, and pain lined his expression.

"Sirius?"

"Right here Moony; how're you feeling?" Remus' eyes shot open, and he gasped in pain as he tried to sit up.

"Sirius!" He could tell from experience that Remus' had spoken in his sleep before, but was now truly awake. Awake, and panicked. The mixture of horror and confusion on Remus' face felt like a punch in his gut. He remembered that look from the Incident, and had vowed to himself never to see it again. And that's when Sirius decided he wasn't going to walk on eggshells around Remus anymore; he wasn't going to lie to him.

"Moony relax, listen." Sirius took a deep breath. James was going to kill him; it was his own insistence that Remus not know what happened that led James to lie to Lily after all, and Sirius knew that James hated lying to Lily.

"I don't know why, but last night Moony and Padfoot got into it a bit. I'm fine…" He saw Remus about to open his mouth in protest, but cut him off.

"Listen to me, Remus I'm fine. Just a scratch on the leg. We were going to keep it from you, so Lily healed it instead. James told her my family did it." Sirius said, a little bitterly.

"But why?" asked Remus.

"Why? Because I knew you'd be all panicked and blame yourself!" Sirius was trying, really he was, to not completely go off on Remus.

"Well, it was my fault. I hurt you. I'm sorry." Said Remus, looking down dejectedly at his hands, which were wringing the bed sheets.

"That's exactly why we didn't want to tell you! You never give yourself a break! Nights like last night are the whole bloody reason why I became an Animagus to begin with! And I'm sick of tiptoeing around you just because you can't stop blaming yourself for things completely outside your control!" Sirius hadn't meant to rant at him, but he couldn't hold it in anymore. He wasn't going to stand for his friend's self-loathing anymore. He was now breathing heavily, having held himself back from shouting only out of fear of Madam Pomfrey.

For a few minutes they just stayed there; Remus shocked into silence, Sirius' energy spent as he leaned forward and rest his elbows on Remus' bed.

"I'm sorry, Pads. I never wanted to make you feel like you had to tip toe around me." Remus' voice was small and sad, and Sirius felt his heart squeezing. Of course he forgave him; how could he not forgive Moony?

* * *

At lunch time Sirius was back, this time with Peter and James. They sat around Remus' bed, eating off of trays that Madam Pomfrey's elf always provided for them, and sharing sweets from their latest Honeydukes expedition. Just like the day after every full moon. Remus was relieved that things were back to normal. He still didn't know quite what to think of the night before. The Wolf wanted more from Padfoot, and the more Remus thought about it, the more he realized he too wanted more from Sirius. Something more than friendship. But what did Sirius want? And who was Remus to demand anything more from the friend that had already given him so much happiness?

He looked at the three boys in front of him; Peter was doing a pretty accurate impression of Lily, playing out the scene where she "came to the rescue" to heal Sirius, while James was doing a splendid, if a bit exaggerated impression of injured Sirius. Sirius was interrupting frequently with corrections and suggestions, and was now correcting James on the particular way he had vomited ( "I wasn't that noisy about it!"). His friends were here, for him. And that was why he couldn't demand anything more from Sirius; he couldn't lose the Marauders.

"Remus, alright mate?" Peter's voice broke his train of thought, and he smiled at his friends.

"I've been worse." He answered honestly. "Brilliant performance!"

"You'd feel better if you eat something!" Sirius said, chucking a chocolate frog at him.

"Whatever you say, Madam Pomfrey" Remus replied, and all four boys burst out laughing, until the real Madam Pomfrey shooed James, Peter and Sirius out for disturbing her patient.

Remus would usually be discharged by the afternoon, but Madam Pomfrey wanted to leave him overnight to ensure the proper healing of one of his muscles. So Sirius was back after dinner, with an offering of Charms and History of Magic notes, and more chocolate.

"You know" Remus said around a mouth full of chocolate frog, "I only really crave chocolate around the full moon. The rest of the month is pretty take it or leave it."

"McKinnon was telling me that she craves chocolate at that time of month too" Sirius said wickedly.

Remus threw a pillow at him. And he stayed.

* * *

It was dark now, and Sirius was watching Remus sleep. They had stayed up, Sirius chatting about classes, but Remus ultimately fell asleep over his notes. And Sirius had stayed. It was so late now that even Madam Pomfrey had retired to her rooms. The Hospital Wing was dark and empty, the only sound Remus' soft breathing. The moon shone softly on his skin, and he looked utterly peaceful, as if he knew that its waning light could not hurt him. _Well if the moon can't hurt him, then neither can I_ Sirius reasoned with himself, and gave into the urge to lean over and kiss his cheek.

Remus' cheek was soft under his lips, and Sirius felt a twinge of guilt; it was not fair to kiss him like this when he was asleep. Remus stirred, and Sirius froze; his lips now hovering an inch above Remus' cheek, not wanting to wake him by moving.

"Sirius…" There was so much need in that voice, and so much desire in those eyes that were now open and staring into his own. Sirius wanted to whisper back, "Remus", but found his lips covered now by Remus' own. Sirius couldn't breath, he couldn't think. He could only want, and this was all he wanted, these feathery soft kisses in the moonlight. Remus teeth caught his lower lip, sending a surge of desire through his core, and Sirius opened his mouth, ready to deepen the kiss.

"Sirius." Remus pulled away slightly, and Sirius knew the moment was over.

"Remus, please." Sirius begged. He was not ready to talk, or to hear Remus try and talk him out of it. He wanted this, just this, just for now.

He reached his hand out to cradle Remus' cheek, the one his lips had just been on, and Remus leaned into his touch, nuzzling the palm of his hand. Sirius relaxed, a smile spreading on his face as the gesture reminded him slightly of the Wolf (the Wolf that Sirius loved as much as Padfoot loved him, as much as Sirius loved Remus).

"Sirius, I…" Remus kissed his palm. "Just this." He said finally, and fell asleep against his hand.


	9. Just this, but more

_ Dear Remus, _

_Well, well, well. Your life is turning out to be more interesting than my drama on the telly. Listen, I__'ve known you're crazy about this snuffles guy for a while. You always talk about him in your letters. It's also clear from what you wrote to me that he's crazy about you. So what's the problem? You really have a tendency towards self-deprecation, and I don't know why. You're a great guy. Hell, I'd date you steady except you know I like bad boys. You deserve to be happy, so stop being an angsty teenager, and talk about your feelings with him. You know how lucky you are that the person you fancy kissed you? It's like every gay guy's fantasy. I know you're worried about your friendship, but just talk to him about it. Besides; we mess around and we're still friends (or at least I hope you think of me as your friend and not just a pretty boy). And guess what, Remus? Even if you do lose him as a friend, you have other friends, and will continue to make other friends in your life. You're only seventeen; this isn't the end of your life._

_Uni__'s going pretty well, but there is a serious lack of bad boys here. It's like, everyone actually wants to learn something here. Remind me again why I decided it would be a good idea? I kind of like my anthropology classes, though. It's a pretty cool subject; basically learning about different cultures and stuff. I wish I could do an anthropological study about the wizarding world, but secrecy and all that. Lila's been behaving herself very well. Is bacon ok? She seems to like it at least. _

_ Your Very Own Bad Boy, _

_ David_

Remus hadn't meant to talk to David again, but who else would understand what he's going through? And Remus was pleased with the platonic tone of their letters; David seemed to understand what Remus needed of him. Remus wanted so much to take David's advice; to just take the plunge and seek Sirius out. But what David didn't know could fill a book. Most importantly, David didn't know that Remus was a werewolf, and therefore had a very good reason for his self-deprecating attitude. Werewolves do not often have devoted friends and people who did not view them with disgust. To have a lover that knew the truth about him and accepted him? That was more than he dared dream.

Remus had been avoiding Sirius for days now, ever since the night at the Hospital Wing. He was scared of losing Sirius, yes, but mostly Remus was scared of the intensity of his own desire. If he could want something so bad, it surely was something he shouldn't have. It surely had the power to destroy him.

Which is why Remus was hiding from Sirius. He was in one of the hidden rooms they'd found their third year; behind the portrait of Hiratius the Hairy, near the top of the Astronomy tower. It had a brilliant view of the great lake, the natural light especially pretty in the early afternoon. Remus was working on his Arithmancy paper; it was due next week and there was still a bit of research he needed to do. Textbooks were open all around him, and on the corner of the table was Sirius' turntable. Every time he would become particularly stuck on his Arithmancy he'd turn over to trying various charms on the turntable. He found that focusing on one complex problem often gave him perspective on another.

Remus heard the password being uttered ( "Calidi Cera"), and a large creak as the portrait swung open. The room wasn't used often, so the portrait's hinges were stiff with misuse.

"Can't you let me avoid you in peace?" Remus said with a sigh, knowing the answer to his question.

"Well, you're using one of our favorite spots, so you must want to be found." Sirius replied.

Remus knew he was right. There were countless spots they had discovered when making the map, and this one was one of the first. It wasn't that hard to find, after all. He came here because this room reminded him of the simple early days of their friendship. It was like an old blanket; frayed at the edges, but he clung to it for comfort all the same.

"Remus, you can't keep running from this." Sirius said, drawing up a chair and sitting across from him. He started to talk before Remus even had a chance.

"I have some things to say and after I say them you can respond." Sirius took a deep breath and continued.

"First I want to say that this is confusing. I've never thought of blokes before, and you know, I've been with some girls. But for a year now I think about you all the time. I have thoughts like you said you do about men, but about you." Sirius coughed, suddenly losing a little of his Gryffindor bravado. Remus couldn't help the blush creep up his face as he remembered exactly what thoughts Sirius was referring to.

"And it's not just that" Sirius continued, "But I worry about you, and I think about you, and I want to give you flowers and chocolate and all of those things. I…" Remus was now shifting uncomfortably in his seat, overwhelmed by the intensity in Sirius' voice.

"Fuck Remus, I think I love you."

It was the L word that sent panic flooding into Remus' eyes. Yes, love did have the potential to be the thing that destroys him.

Once he started talking, Sirius found himself to be not quite in control of the syllables spilling from his lips. Sirius sometimes thinks that there's this other part of him — the most Black part of Sirius Black — that just takes over sometimes and causes trouble for him. It's this this Blackness, he thinks, that causes the word "love" to escape his mouth; his tongue almost tripping over the curl in the word.

Sirius' heart clenched painfully at the look in Remus' eyes. He looked down to where Remus' fingers were frantically searching for something to shred. Without thinking, Sirius summoned some parchment, and Remus' fingers immediately went to work on it, his shoulders dropping a bit in relief.

"So that we can continue this conversation" Sirius said, not able to hold back a smile at how utterly predictable Remus can be at times. But his heart is still beating frantically because he knows that Remus can also be just as unpredictable.

A small part of him, the Black part, triumphs to see that he managed a small smile out of Remus. The panic doesn't quite leave Remus' eyes, but he vanishes the now tiny pieces of paper, and manages a few deep breaths.

"Love is a pretty extreme word, Sirius" Remus said, his voice mostly steady.

_It__'s a pretty extreme feeling, too. _Sirius thinks, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

"I'm not asking for love, Remus. I don't even know if that _is _what I feel." He sees the panic lessen is Remus' eyes and continues hurriedly, knowing he's on the right track.

"I just…we have these _feelings _between us and I know you feel it too. All I'm asking for is the chance to see what it is." Sirius saw Remus' mouth open to interject so he continued, knowing already what he's going to say.

"This won't ruin our friendship, Moony. I don't think anything could at this point. I'll always be your friend, and I'll always care for you, no matter what you decide, or what happens."

Knowing Remus well, Sirius waited for a response, even as a million more thoughts and reassurances itched to be voiced. Time stretched out lazily between them; every second passing had Sirius wondering if he had just destroyed his friendship with Remus. Just as he was about start pacing the room, Remus spoke.

"I have felt things get more…intense between us…" He started slowly, each carefully crafted word leaving his mouth in full control. Sirius admired that about Remus; no matter what life threw at him he was in control, he thought everything out.

"I _am _attracted to you Sirius, but I don't know quite if I love you, and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you, of losing Padfoot." Remus continued, and Sirius wanted so desperately to argue, to tell him that everything would be okay and that he'd always have Padfoot, but suddenly he wasn't quite sure himself. He couldn't lie to Remus, not again. And he hated himself for knowing that he couldn't promise his best friend that he would never hurt him.

"Can't I just…" Sirius' voice cracked a bit, and he cleared it impatiently. "Can't we just try?"

This was his last chance. Sirius didn't think he could survive putting himself in this position again, being rejected. If just the thought of being rejected by Remus hurt so bad, then what would it feel like to lose him again? Suddenly Sirius wasn't so sure this was worth the risk.

He crossed the room to the window and looked out to the stormy sky, not wanting to see the rejection in Remus' eyes. He felt Remus before he heard him close to him now, as the other boy's hand clasped his own.

"Yes Sirius, we can try." Remus said, turning Sirius towards him.

Sirius lifted his arm to Remus' cheek, conjuring the feelings of the night before. He leaned in, searching for Remus' lips in the space between them, when Remus pulled away slightly.

"I'm not finished," Remus said, and Sirius was relieved to hear some humor in his voice.

"We can try, but I want to take it slowly. I want…to date you." Remus' voice strengthened. "Yes. I want you to take me on a date."

"On a date?" Sirius asked, slightly stunned. He had hardly been on dates before; opting to take girls into bed first, but he knew what they were supposed to be like in concept.

"Well blimey Remus I'd love to wine and dine you but we can't exactly go to Hogsmeade together on a date." Sirius said, unable to keep the cynicism out of his voice.

Remus threw his head back in laughter. A deep, belly kind of laughter that relaxed the last bit of tension in Sirius' shoulders. The kind of laughter that had Sirius thinking that everything would be alright.

Remus pulled Sirius towards him, chuckling between feather light kisses. Sirius leaned in, wanting to to deepen the kisses, but Remus held back; one moment there, the next just out of reach. Each kiss hit him like the first raindrops before a storm, but Remus wasn't going to let the storm break. Finally Remus' laughs subsided and he pulled away.

"You'll think of something, Sirius"


	10. Dates, so sweet

**AN: I've been more inspired to write this. Reviews keep up my inspiration! I'm hoping to keep the plot moving along and maybe even get to Christmas time in the story by real life Christmas time. Let me know what y'all think! **

* * *

"I officially call this vital Marauder's meeting to order!" James said expansively, as he stood in front of the hearth of the Gryffindor common room. They had emptied the room for the occasion, Remus offering only the slightest indignation that James had used his Head Boy privileges to send all the first years to the library.

"Oy, since when do we have meetings?" Peter inquired around a mouth full of cauldron cake.

"Really missed an opportunity for a triple alliteration there. Try again with 'momentous Marauder's meeting'" Remus piped up, as he halfheartedly scanned through his Runes homework.

"What's this about, anyway?" Said Sirius, already tapping his foot impatiently.

"I didn't ask for commentary from the peanut gallery!" James was annoyed. This meeting was perhaps the most important meeting that he had led. More important than all the stuffy meetings with Dumbledore, or the prefects. He needed his friends' help.

"I call you forth today, on this most important day…"

"Decisive day…" Remus interrupted, and everyone turned to look at him, James glaring.

"Sorry Prongs, I'm in an alliterative mood today." Remus said, with a shrug.

"Ha! You mean you have an alliterative attitude!" Sirius said, triumphantly. Remus flashed him a smile of approval, and James could almost imagine Padfoot's tail wagging. Really, his friends were idiots.

"Sirius, you're trying too hard." Peter jumped in.

"Lily Evans agreed to a date with me!" James yelled at them, before anyone else could chime in. James loved his friends, he really did, but sometimes they had difficulty staying on track.

Remus abandoned all pretenses of checking his homework. Sirius' leg stilled. Peter's mouth dropped open.

"Well done mate!" Peter managed, once he found how to use his mouth again.

"You do know that the Imperius curse is still illegal, right?" Said Sirius with a snort, but the smile on his face telling James that he was happy.

"How can we be of assistance?" Said Remus, thankfully no longer going on about alliteration.

James sighed, thankful that his friends were finally taking him seriously.

"Well I don't know how to take a woman out on a date, see." James lay out the problem in front of them. He was confident that they could solve this problem like they solved all other problems: together. After all, they had solved problems almost as big as this one in the past: how to map out all of Hogwarts, how to become Animagi, how to find out Remus' secret. Granted, the problem of where to take Lily out on a date was considerably more difficult, but James had faith they could do it.

"I don't know where to take her out on a date, or what to do when we're on said date." James said, urging his friends to understand the gravity of the situation (or the seriousness of the situation, to make Remus happy).

Predictably, Peter provided the appropriate the response for the situation; oohing impressively, and offering him a supportive clap on the shoulder. Remus looked pensive. This would usually be a good sign to James, as Remus often had the best ideas, but he wasn't sure how far Remus' genius would help him in this situation. After all, Remus hadn't ever been on a date, or even kissed a woman, as far as he knew.

"I don't see why this has to be a problem for _you_" Sirius said, with rather a lot more bitterness than James was expecting, "Hogsmeade weekend is this week. Take her to a restaurant and wham bam, thank you ma'am!" James wasn't quite sure what his friend's problem was, but he was thankful for Remus' severe look Sirius' way that shut him up.

"Hogsmeade is obviously the way to go," Remus interrupted thoughtfully, before Peter chimed in.

"Careful with a restaurant though! I overheard Lily tell McKinnon that Phelps took her to this, and I quote 'god awful stuffy restaurant. I just wish men would put more energy in getting to know me, rather than impressing me'" Peter looked quite proud at this contribution, which James had to admit was quite useful.

"Good, Wormy, good. And extra points for an excellent imitation." James said, knowing that flattery goes a long way with Peter. "What else boys?"

It was Remus who spoke next, although James was rather hoping Sirius would say something useful, as he arguably had the most experience of the bunch.

"Well James, mate, you know what people say about what it takes to raise a child?" James rolled his eyes. Why was Remus being utterly useless in the face of this emergency?

"No Remus, I don't, but Merlin help you if the word alliteration crosses your lips!" James exploded.

"It takes…Masochism to raise a child?" Peter ventured.

"…a complete idiot?" Sirius added

"…a good first date?" James supplied, hoping to get them back on the right track.

"A village. It takes a village to raise a child" Remus said, with not a lot of patience.

"Ok, now I'm lost" Peter said, confusion written all over his face, "What's this got to do with a date?"

James thought to himself that he really ought to give Peter more credit. He was the only one taking this seriously.

"Well Prongs. That saying does not hold true for dating. It does not indeed take a village to date."

"What does that even mean?!" Peter exploded.

"Wormy mate, I have no idea" James said, his head now in his hands out of frustration.

"I think it means you gotta figure this one out on your own Prongs" Sirius said, and for some reason unbeknown to James (and by the look on his face, Peter too) Remus and Sirius started laughing hysterically.

* * *

"I wonder what James and Lily are up to?" Remus inquired, a little out of breath. He and Sirius were walking briskly towards the lake for their very first date. He wasn't quite sure where they were going, but had after all relinquished all control when he told Sirius to take him out on a date._ I must be going completely barmy _he thought, as they walked further and further away from the castle. Agreeing to date Sirius to begin with was probably the riskiest thing he had ever done, and to top it all who knew what Sirius Black's idea of a date was! Probably something life threatening. _Yes, I__'ve definitely lost my mind. _

"I reckon James' idea of taking Lily to that Charms workshop was a good one. Birds love it when you make a fool of yourself in front of them, and James is shite at Charms." Sirius answered. Remus could tell that Sirius was trying to keep his tone light, and after glancing around to see that no one was watching, he covered Sirius' hand with his own for a moment.

"Where are we going anyway, Sirius?" They had headed toward the lake, but then detoured left towards the forest, and climbed up a small hill that Remus hadn't known was there. Remus was surprised that Sirius wasn't more out of breath; they were walking fast and Sirius was carrying a large bag that looked full to the brim. Full of what, Remus had no idea.

"We're here!" Sirius said, finally. Remus looked around; they were somehow back at the lake again, with most of the castle and grounds completely hidden. The hill they had climbed was blocking this part of the lake. Unless someone where on the highest tower, they wouldn't be able to see them. This wasn't a place they had discovered together, though perhaps the wolf knew of this place from their monthly runs.

Sirius was busy to his left setting out a blanket and unpacking things from the bag. The smell of food mixed in with the sharp smell of the forest, and Remus' stomach rumbled.

"Sirius, this is amazing" He said, truthfully. Sirius smiled in return, and motioned for Remus to sit.

"I put a light deterrent charm around us as well, though I reckon no one can see this place unless they go looking for it." Sirius couldn't keep the pride out of his voice.

They sat quietly, Remus suddenly overcome with some measure of shyness, as they nibbled on the various foods. Remus started with some of the cheeses, and then moved on to some of the elegant looking dishes in front of them.

"Pads, this is amazing. Who knew the house elves could cook like this?" Food at Hogwarts was always comforting and plentiful, but this food was different; it was delicate and complex, with different components working together in culinary bliss.

"They can't. I made this." Sirius said, looking uncharacteristically shy.

Every time Remus thought he had Sirius figured out, he goes and does something like this. Something that's so Sirius at the same time that it's so unlike Sirius.

"When did you learn how to cook?" At this question Sirius' face turned red in embarrassment, and he started playing with the blades of grass on the ground.

"Regulus was always close to the house elves…" Sirius voice could barely be heard over the wind. Remus moved closer to him, and put his arm around him. Regulus was always a touchy subject with Sirius, Remus knew. The fact that Sirius spoke of Regulus in the past was proof of just how far the two brothers had drifted apart. Not drifted, no, more like pitted against each other. Out of all the terrible things that Sirius' parents did to him as a child, Remus thought that the most cruel was how they pushed Regulus to hate Sirius.

"When I hang around them I feel closer to Regulus, in a weird way," Sirius' voice felt stronger now, and Remus gave him a little squeeze of encouragement.

"I mean Merlin knows it's the only way I will get close to him, ever." Sirius shook his head, as if to shake the bitterness in his voice, and continued.

"Anyway so third year I stole a cookbook from home and started trying stuff out."

"Well that explains why you cook like you're hosting a fancy gala," Remus said with a smile.

"Well only the best for my Moony" Sirius countered, and the boys went back to eating, mostly in silence. Just as Remus felt the silence was stretching on a bit too much, Sirius spoke up again.

"Sometimes it feels so weird to think about the life I used to have. We ate fancy food like this every day. It's like they live in a totally different world. But now I'm in a different world then them and sometimes I feel like…"

"Like you don't quite belong in either world?" Remus offered.

"Why, is that how you feel?"

Remus sighed. Sirius had begun to open up to him, but now he was pulling back. It was time for Remus to make his offering.

"Yeah, that's how I feel. I grew up in a mostly Muggle town. You never made it inside my house, but it runs completely Muggle. It has to, for my mom. And so the neighbors don't notice. Then I come here and it's this whole other world, and sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. I'm definitely not completely Muggle, but I also feel like I'm not completely a Wizard." These were thoughts that Remus kept mostly to himself, like most of his feelings. Once he started talking he realized that if he was going to be in a relationship with Sirius, he had to understand this part of him. This two-ness.

"And it's not just Muggle and wizard. I also feel like, well there's Remus and then there's Moony. I'm not just Remus but I'm not just the Wolf." Remus could see Sirius nodding along, and wondered if becoming Padfoot had changed him so fundamentally that he understood what it meant to feel not completely human.

"But would you be who you are, Remus, without all these parts of you? If you weren't half-blood, or if it wasn't for the wolf?" Sirius was now staring at him intensely. Remus paused for a moment to consider this question.

"No Sirius. I don't reckon I would be. It doesn't mean it's easy." And Remus pulled Sirius towards him, no longer trusting that words could portray what he was feeling. What he was feeling here, with Sirius, baring their souls to each other; finding new things about each other even as they were the closest of friends. Feeling their friendship deepen into something more. How had Remus not seen this before? How could they ever come back from this?

They kissed tentatively at first, Remus not quite able to ignore the fact that although well hidden, they were technically on school grounds, and outside. Then Sirius deepened the kiss, and Remus didn't think anymore.

Although the air was crisp, between them there was nothing but heat, from the tips of their ears down to their toes. Their tongues danced together, exploring, experimenting, eliciting. Sirius moaned, and Remus' hands trailed underneath his shirt, suddenly wanting to feel all of him, wanting to close all the spaces between them.

Remus' hand hovered over Sirius' waistband, and he felt a sharp breath of hesitation. It felt like a bucket of cold water all over him, and Remus pulled back, suddenly aware of how fast they were moving.

"Wait, Remus" Sirius moaned, but Remus kept out of reach, smoothing over his shirt.

"Let's take things slow," He said, even as his whole body was screaming to keep going until he and Sirius were one person.

"But what if I don't want to take things slow?" Sometimes when Sirius whined he sounded a bit like Padfoot, but Remus figured that wasn't quite the most productive thing to say to him at the moment.

"You'll live. Now feed me something else" Remus answered, trying hard not to stare at Sirius' lips, now juicy and red from kissing.

Sirius rolled his eyes but obeyed (_good boy _thinks Remus), and handed Remus a small tray of…

"What _is _that?" Remus asked. On the tray were little things that looked horribly like the cockroaches in Remus' first childhood home.

"Have you never had a date before?" Sirius looked confused.

"Yes I've been on a date before, but what are those little things?" In a rare feat of bravery, Remus reached his hand out to the little thing, and gave it a squeeze. It felt like a dried apricot, so he figured it was some kind of fruit.

"A date, Remus. These are called dates." Sirius said, now laughing.

"I can't believe you've never had one! They're tasty, I swear!" and Sirius picked one up and fed it to Remus.

Remus bit down, and chewed. A wonderful sweet, rich flavor coated his tongue, and he immediately grabbed two more.

"They're sweet!" he said in surprise, and Sirius laughed again.

"You're sweeter" Sirius said, and leaned in for a date-laced kiss.


	11. The Black Owl

**AN: Sorry this chapter took a bit longer to get out than I wanted. Note that there is a change here from (Pottermore) canon. In this story James' father is the head of the Wizengamot. Anyway, hope you like it! Coming up next is a lot of Halloween mystery!**

* * *

It was a week, a _week_ before Halloween and they still hadn't planned a Halloween prank. And Peter was annoyed. Annoyed because every time he brought it up the others didn't take him seriously, and annoyed because this is the last Halloween that they had to produce the most Marauder-worthy prank. Instead James was always off doing Head Boy duties (which Peter was fairly sure meant snogging Evans), and Remus was always off to the library. Sirius was always off doing merlin knows what, or rather, merlin knows who. Was he, Peter, the only one who cared about their reputation as Marauders? Seven years of a carefully crafted mischievous presence in the school. And for what? So that the Halloween prank of '77 — that surely the whole student body was waiting for — would not happen?

Peter was determined to convince them over breakfast. He rarely stood up to his friends, mostly because they always seemed to have brilliant ideas, but he would not let this slide. He would not let them slip into anonymity in Hogwarts' history.

It was one of the first frosty morning at Hogwarts. The leaves had barely had time to turn before dropping from their branches in shock from the cold. Just last week they had been out throwing rocks into the lake with nothing more than a sweater on, and now Peter was searching for his scarf and his gloves. On second thought, he stuffed a hat into his bag as well. There was Care of Magical Creatures later on, after all.

Peter was only slightly disappointed to see that his friends were already half way through their breakfast when he entered the Great Hall. Sure, they had always waited for him before going to breakfast, but that had stopped years ago. _They no longer care enough about you to wait _Peter shook out the dark thoughts intruding on his morning. More and more he found himself thinking badly of his friends, but he knew those thoughts were not useful. After all, if it weren't for the Marauders would he even have any friends?

"Top of the morning to you, Peter!" James called out cheerfully. _No _Peter thinks to himself _I would be nowhere without my friends. _Remus passed him some toast, and even Sirius managed to smile at him behind a mouth full of bacon.

"Yes, a fine morn we have gents!" Peter replied, pleased that he picked up on the joke.

"How fares thee?" Sirius continued, mouth now nearly empty of food.

They all looked to Remus expectedly.

"Yes yes, friendly salutations" Remus said distractedly. He was trying to finish off an essay for Potions.

"No alliteration? I'm decidedly disappointed in you!" James teased.

"Well I could offer friendly farewells instead." Remus threatened, scooping up his essay and making moves to leave.

"Wait Remus, don't go! I need to talk to all three of you" Peter interjected, before his chance was up. He was pleased to see Remus sit down and everyone turn their attention towards him.

Peter motioned for them to come closer, enjoying the way their attention was on him alone.

"Next week is Halloween. And what do we have planned? Nothing." Peter threw each one of them an accusatory glare.

Remus rolled his eyes. James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Sirius was about to respond when the ear splitting shriek of an owl filled the great hall. Peter's heart dropped as they looked to the magically enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall, and spotted the black owl now making a beeline for its intended recipient. Peter's heart thudded wildly in its chest as he urged it to fly over him, to not stop at their table. _I__'ll do anything. Just don't let it be me. I couldn't survive it. _

A hush filled the hall as the owl swooped over to the Hufflepuff table, and settled in front of a small girl who looked too young — perhaps even a first year — to receive the terrible news that Peter knew the owl brought with it. Even as he thought of the news the owl was bringing, he sighed in relief that he would not be the recipient of such horrible news. He knew he was not the only one feeling this way, as he heard James let out a shaky breath, his shoulders dropping in relief.

This was the third owl this year. She never came with the rest of the post, and for weeks after the black owl arrived Peter found himself facing every breakfast with dread that it would come again. He watched in horror as the girl opened the letter. Even from the Gryffindor table he could see her hands shaking. She glanced at the letter and let out out howl of anguish, and ran out of the hall, the letter forgotten on the table. The sound of her scream tore at Peter; his breakfast now churning rebelliously around his stomach.

One of the Hufflepuff prefects followed the girl, the rest of the hall still silent. Dumbledore's gaze fell on the table where they were sitting, and Peter felt James stiffen in attention. Dumbledore quietly exited the Great Hall, and James followed, even his footsteps sounding heavy to Peter.

Remus was somewhat surprised that the Halloween feast was still happening. The death of Wendy Wenlock, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, cast a dark shadow around Hogwarts. The Daily Prophet had reported the official cause of death as accidental, but even the newspaper had to report the overwhelming skepticism regarding the Ministry official's death. Deaths and disappearances were increasing at a scary rate, and although the Death Eaters didn't ever take responsibility, it was always those that opposed their ideologies that ended up dead, or vanished. Wenlock had been known as a fierce defender of Muggleborn rights, and rumor had it that she had been just about to announce a hard line crusade against those who associated with said Death Eaters.

Remus knew all of these political details because James reported dutifully back to them after his meeting with Dumbledore. But beyond the political intrigue, what stuck with Remus was little Gertrude Wenlock's screams as she received the news that her mother died. That had been the third death announcement that year, but this one seemed to effect them in a way that the others did not. Remus didn't fear much for his own parents; ever since his becoming a werewolf his father was no longer associated with the ministry. James seemed the most worried. His father was after all one of the most important wizards in the ministry, as head of the Wizengamont. And Potter Sr was not shy about making his dislike of Death Eaters known.

They were all on edge, and that complicated things among their little friend group. It would have been difficult enough to try and cheer up James, who seemed to withdraw more and more. Or to deal with Peter's disappointment at not pranking. Or even to understand the rising tensions between Sirius and Regulus when they passed each other in the corridors. Only with Sirius, everything was now more complicated. Even as friends, Remus was never sure if Sirius was just seconds away from exploding, and now that Sirius and Remus were….well whatever they were, he felt even more unsure how to bring Sirius back from the darkness that he slipped deeper into every day.

They hadn't been on any more dates, nor did they go back to being friends as they were before. It was usually Sirius there, caring for Remus, but Remus felt himself having to assume that position. A quick squeeze of the hand after an encounter with a member of the Black family, and even a hug or two in dark corridors. Remus was frustrated. Not sexually; no, he was used to going without for long periods of time. He was frustrated because he felt himself falling for moody, impulsive, sometimes crazy Sirius Black, and he didn't know what to do about it. How to show it. How to be there like Sirius was always there for him.

It was the night before Halloween, and Remus had all of these thoughts swirling in a most confusing concoction through his mind. The dormitory was dark and quiet, with only James' snores as evidence for life in the room. The constant sound was comforting to Remus, and he had just started feeling the gentle pull of sleep when he heard the floorboards next to him creak.

"Remus?"

Remus drew his wand from underneath the pillow next to him, and cast a light. There was Sirius, and in the darkness suddenly Remus' hesitations seemed to dissolve. He scooted over to give the other boy room, and quietly cast a silencing spell around their bed.

"Moony, I can't sleep" Sirius whined softly, as he climbed into the bed and burrowed his face into the crook of Remus' arm. This was uncharted territory. Not to mention completely foolish and risky. What if their friends woke up? Remus was about to voice these concerns to Sirius when he caught a glimpse of his face; worry lined his face, but there was more. There was a kind of vulnerability Remus saw there that squeezed painfully at his heart.

He wanted to tell Sirius that it would be ok. Not to worry about anything, and certainly not about the millions of things that Remus himself was currently worrying about. But he found himself unable to lie.

"I'm here" he said, the words squeezing painfully out of his throat.

"I've missed you, Remus. I…I don't know how to do this. So I've kept you away because I know how to be upset when you're my friend but I don't know how to be upset when you're my….what I'm saying is that I don't know how to be in a relationship."

Remus smiled as Sirius tripped over his words. He always did tend to ramble when he was anxious. Remus was relieved however, that Sirius put into words what they had been both struggling with. Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius and squeezed a bit. Sirius fell silent

"I don't know how either, Sirius, but I think this is a good start." Remus said, lifting his head to kiss Sirius.

Kissing Sirius felt different than anything he had done with David before. Kissing Sirius felt like taking the juiciest bite out of a peach. It felt at the same time so intense he was sure he couldn't survive it, and as comforting as home. As they deepened the kiss, Remus felt control slipping surely away from him. _Why do I need to be in control in his arms? _Remus thought. And then Sirius hands slipped beneath his shirt, and he stopped thinking.

Remus shivered in pleasure as Sirius dipped down to kiss his neck. He wanted to be kissed all over. He wanted to kiss all over. He wanted everything, and he wanted it now. Sirius hands now moved from Remus stomach to his pants, and brushed across his growing bulge.

"Fuck, Sirius" Remus hissed, not caring now that he said they should wait. Not remembering why he would even suggest such a stupid thing. Sirius' hand now settled there more definitely, and start moving back and forth in small movements. Remus pressed himself against Sirius' hand and grabbed his hand, guiding. Things were starting to build to that point — that excruciatingly delectable point of no return — when James let out a particularly large snore, his breath catching.

"Fuck!" Remus said, this time with quite a lot more hesitation than before.

"It's ok, they can't hear us." Sirius said between maddening kisses.

But the spell was broken, the doubts flooding back into Remus' mind. He pushed Sirius' hand away and stood up, rubbing his eyes so he could focus on his next words.

"Sirius, we can't do this here. It's too risky." Remus started to say, but Sirius interrupted him.

"I know, I know. I want to be with you alone, Remus." Sirius reached his hand out and Remus gladly lay his cheek on the palm of his hand.

"I'll find us a place" Sirius promised, sealed with a kiss.


End file.
